m: 






LADY HUNTWORTH'S 
EXPERIMENT 

Hn ©riginal (lomeC)^ in Xlbree Hcts 



R. C. CARTON . 

AUTHOR OF "LIBERTY HALL," ETC., ETC., ETC. 



Copyright, 1904, by Samuel French. 



CAUTION :— Professionals and Amateurs are hereby notified 

that this play is fully copyrighted under the existing laws of 

the United States Government, and nobody is allowed 

to do this play without first having obtained 

permission of Samuel French, 24 West 

22d St., New York City, U. S. A. " 



New York 

SAMUEL FRENCH 

publisher 

24 WEST 22D STREET, 



London 
SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 

26 Southampton St. 
Strand, London, W. C. 



^ 

LIf.iRARV r,f CONGRESS 
Twc Copies Reoer»wfi 

iAR 23 1904 



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LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 



Produced at the Criterion Theatre, London, 26th April, igoo. 



CHARACTERS. 

Captain Dorvaston (late Bengal Cav- 
alry) Mr. Arthur Bourchier. 

Rev. Audley Pillenger (Vicar of 
Stillford, in the parish of Drone- 
borough) Mr. Eric Lewis. 

Rev. Henry Thorsby (his Curate) .... Mr. A. E. Matthews. 

Gandy (Man-servant at the Vicarage).. . Mr. Ernest Hendrie. 

Newspaper Boy Master R. Denny. 

Mr. Crayll Mr. Dion Boucicault. 

Miss Hannah Pillenger (Rev. Au- 

dley's sister) Miss Fanny Coleman. 

Lucy Pillenger (their Niece) Miss Gertrude Elliot. 

Keziah (Servant at the Vicarage) Miss Polly Emery. 

Caroline Rayward (Cook at the 

Vicarage) Miss Compton. 



ACT I. 
• ■'^ Thj; .Vjcarage Garden. — Morning. 

ACT n. 

The Vicarage Kitchen. — The same evening. 

ACT III. 
The Vicarage Library. — Next morning. 



LADY HUNTWORTHS EXPERIMENT. 




LADY RUNTWOfiTH'S EXPERIMENT. 



Plan of Breakfast Table, — Act I. 




FACING DOWN STAGE. 

Note 1. — Those articles not marked with an asterisk are 
discovered. 

Note 2. — Those articles marked with an asterisk are 
brought on. 

Note 3. — Great care must be used in setting the table. 



LAT>Y HUNTWORTH S EXPERIMENT. 













\ 



LADY HUNTWORTH S EXPERIMENT. 



Acta. 



PosiiioTV of Articles cLisce^trri and whtre. 
placed whtn, hrouaht orv , t»hick must ht vtry 
txaet 



Glass 
Tray. 


t. ^^^;^ Plait 
3 


Work. 

Box 



FUn i^ Window Ledge as ^t5c»v«rei 
Fatino doyMTK Stmae . 



Tlan of jbresstT 
as discovered at 
r^se of Curtain., 
VTfth the propertits 
used mm.ritfl «n 



f^acnj dawn jSta^ 







Sa l-rnon 


* ti 




1« 


"it 


Oi.K 






-^ 








JQ 




of ] 


CurtAln 



'>tas^. 















4 TumWer* ^<**^ 



Plan af Butler's Tray «.tk 
last losfll on it 






£)u.t\tr-i Tray 



<:k««*' 



t^» 



nan ihowim h^w ArUclti art ftlliti 
TjH» wh.n tak.n o/f ftuflfri Trjy 



LADY HUNTWORTHS EXPERIMENT. 



4o 






5 




I 



LADY HUNT WORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 



ACT I. PROPERTY PLOT. 

Circnlar Table, L.C. 4 Rustic Chairs, Round Table, L.C. 

Seat round Tree, K.C. Parsley-bed, L.I.E. 

Small Rustic Table, L. of Tree R.C. Bench in front of Window. 



\ 



Discovered set on 

Breakfast Table 

on 

Butler's Tray L.C. 



All off L.O.E. 

for 



Table Cloth 

4 Napkins in Rings 

4 Large Plates 

4 Small Plates 

4 Cups, Saucers, and Spoons 

4 Large Knives and Forks 

4 Small Knives 

Large Fork and Spoon 

1 Cruet 
Slop Basin 
Milk in Jug 
Sugar in Basin with Tongs 

Butter in Dish with Knife 
Jam in Dish with Spoon 
Toast in Toast-rack 
Kidneys in Entree Dish 
Tea in Tea-pot (4 people) 
Large Oval Salver 
Large Circular Salver 
Small Card Salver 
3 Eggs in stand and Spoons 

2 White Pudding Basins 
Fork 

White China Dish 
2 Eggs in Basin 
Bottle Salad Oil 
Medium-sized Salver 
Syphon of Potash 
Whiskey in Decanter 
2 Tumblers. 

Door Bell to Ring in Kitchen. 
Letters in Tree R.c, Discovered. Letters for Tliorsby, u 
"Standard" with par. \ In American cloth Wrapper 
" Sporting Life " !- for 

6 various papers J Boy off U 

Flowers in Bowl for Lucy off L.u.E. 
Five Letters for Gandy off R. U.E. 
Tobacco Pouch 'k 

Pipe 

Matches and Match-box 
Marriage Settlement J 

Orchid for DoRVASTON off R. " 2 " E. 
Cigars in case for Cra yll. Chimes off l. u. E. 



All off L.u.E. 

for 

Carolinb. 



For DoRV ASTON. 



LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 

ACT II. PROPERTY PLOT. 

Kitchen Table, L.C. 2 Kitchen Chairs. Kettle on Stove. 

Cake in Tin in Oven down Stage. 

Kitchen Fender and Fire-irons. Hearth-rug. 

Clock ] 

Tin Jelly Moulds j- On Mantelpiece. 

Candlesticks J 

Jelly Moulds on Walls above Mantel. 

Candle in Stand and Matches on Bracket above Fire-place. 

Meal-sack above Fire-place. Towel on Roller above Meat-Jack. 



Plates in Rack above Sink \ , p,.^,//™,. 

Warm Water in Bowl on Sink / ■'" 'Scwwery. 

All in Window. 



Work-box containing Pudding Cloth, 

Needle, &c. 
Glass Tray 

Newspaper ("Standard") 
Plate Basket 

1 Meat Cover on Wall over Meat-Jack. 
Almanac on Wall. Brooms and Pail in Cupboard. 
Looking-glass on Flat between Garden-door and Larder. 
Mat outside Garden-door. 

Cheese Dish \ 

Large Butter Dish J- In Larder. 

Fruit Salad J 

4 Cheese Plates ] 

4 Fruit Plates • On Dresser. 

1 Wine Glass 

Dresser Furnished. 

" fimUy Hetld " } ^n Kitchen Table Drawer. 

Orchid in Specimen-glass in Window. Stuffed Fish in Cases. 
Ham on Dish for Keziah. Canary in Cage, hanging in Window. 

Salmon on Dish ^ 

4 Plates 

4 Fish Knives and Forks 

4 Teaspoons 

Piece of Rag I 

Radishes in Water in Bowl 1 

Radishes in Dish J 

2 Chickens on Dish "j 

4 P?at5°^^ i 1st Load <m Butler's Tray. 

4 Knives and Forks J 

Fruit Salad ) 2nd Load. 

4 Plates, l*orks, and hpoons J 



Discovered on Table. 



LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 

Act II. Property Plot — Continued, 
Whiskey Syphon and Glass ^ 

4 Tumblers, 4 Claret Glasses 

Bread Platter and Knife V o^^ Load, 

Cheese Dish and Butter Dish 
Kadish Dish, 4 Knives, and 4 Plates J 

Hand Properties. 
Hand-bag for Gandy ) 

Music Case for DoRVASTOJ? > Of r.i.e. 
Cigars in Case } 

Pins for Caroline. Letter in Letter-case for CRATLIfc 



ACT III. PROPERTY PLOT. 
Oak Table R. C. and Cover. 3 Oak Chairs R. L. and Top of Table. 
Davenport R. Oak Chair at Davenport. Armchair in Alcove L. 
Library Steps Alcove R. Settle above Fireplace. Fender and 
Fireirons. 2 Large Rugs. Stair Carpet and Rods on Stairs. 
Pictures on Walls. 

Bo^x of Safety Matches } On Mantelpiece dt. 
Electric Push below Fireplace. Books in Bookcase. 
2 pairs Green Plush Curtains and 1 single ditto. 
2 Spring Blinds fitted to Window. 

Hand Properties. 
2 Coffee Cups (coloured) ^ 

Milk in Milk-jug I All on Japanese Tray for 

Sugar in Basin and Tongs j CAROLINE, L. 

Bread and Butter on Plate J 

l^rifofsyLga } ^- CAEOOKE, u 

Cigarettes in Case for DORVASTON. 
Wedding Ring for Thorsby. 
Lawyer's Letter for Caroline. 

Papers : — 

" Standard," " Sporting Life." 
" Clmrch Times ^' for Gandy, r. 

NOTE. — Properties are marked with a small asterisk 
showing their position. 

The crosses with numbers in Act L show where the chairs 
are moved to ; the C. one is not moved at all. 

All doors want proper locks on. The gate in Act I. 
wants a latch and spring to make it spring to. 

Inside Broom Cupboard must have small bolt for DoRV AS- 
TON to bolt when inside. 

The down-stage oven must open to receive cake in tin. 
It should hare iron fixings on to make realistic noise. 



LABY HUNT WORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 



ACT I. 

Scene. — The Vicarage' Garden, according to plan. 

Time. — Early morning. 

(After the curtain rises Thoksby enters at gate l. i. e., 
looks at French window, crosses and looks at kitchen 
windoic, goes over cautiously to the tree r. ; he mounts 
on the seat and extracts a letter from the cavity in 
the tree, replacing it with one of his own; he then 
stands leaning against the tree, while he opens, kisses, 
and begins to read the letter; while he is doing this, 
Gandy comes out of the house with toast in rack and 
jam on dish on salver; he catches sight of Thorsby; 
crosses to top of table i,.) 

Gan. Good morning, Mr. Thorsby! 

Thob. {startled, squashes letter into his pocket) 
Eh! Oh, good morning! I was — I — wanted to see Mr. 
Pillenger. 

Gan. Mt. Pillenger ain't much in the 'abit of climbin' 
trees before breakfast, (puts jam on table) 

Thor. No, of course not. (he jumps down) I 
thought I saw a bird's nest, (looks) I was mistaken; 
but feeling (Boy heard whistling the A.M.B.) rather 
warm after my walk, I fancied it would be cooler under 
the branches. My object, in fact, was 

Gan Shady! (crosses down l. of table) 

Thop. What? 

3 



4 LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 

Gan. I was sayin' it's shady under the h'oak. (puts 
toast on table) 
Thob. Exactly. 

(Newsboy enters at gate, crosses to c. and calls towards 
kitchen window.) 

Boy. Papiers! 

Gan. Late again! (crosses in front of table) 

Boy. No, I ain't, {turns and faces Gandy) 

Gan. Yes, you h'are. (looks at silver watch) Four 
minutes and a half late. (Thorsby sits e. and reads 
letter) Your prospects of a Christmas-box are dark- 
enin' week by week. 

Boy. Well, but I say, Gandy! (crosses down c.) 

Gan. Mr. Gandy! A leetle more respect might assist 
your grandmother's next h'application to the coal and 
blanket fund. Now, is this to-day's " Standard?" 

Boy. Yus! (giving it) 

Gan. Very good. And the other papers? 

Boy. " Sportin' Life! " (gives it) 

Thor. " Sporting Life! " (Boy sees jam, and works 
round to top of table) That's rather an innovation, isn't 
it? 

Gan. (crosses to Thorsby c.) It's for Captain Dor- 
vaston. We deplore it, but we're 'elpless. (places 
papers on table r. c, startles Boy and comes toivards 
him. Boy backs towards gate. To Boy) Go along with 
you, and, mind me, if there's any more tip-cat down 
our road, I call at the police station. 

Boy. All right. Keep your 'air on. (goes off, sing- 
ing the chorus of A.M.B.) 

(Lucy comes out of house with bowl of flowers.) 

Lucy. Good morning, Mr. Thorsby! (c.) 

Thor. Good morning! (rises) 

Lucy. You're an early visitor, (puts bowl on table) 

Thor. Yes, I — I was 

Gan. (has crossed and turns at porch) Bird's 
nestin'! (he goes in through porch) 

Lucy, (they both ivatch him off, Litcy goes up a 
little and down again) What does he mean? 

Thor. He caught me standing up on that seat. I 
had just found your letter, (she hushes him) and I 
had to give some explanation. 

Lucy. And couldn't you rise to anything better than 
that? My dear Harry, what an idiot you are. 



LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 5 

Thor. You see, I greatly dislike any deviation from 
the truth. 

Lucy. Truth is a luxury very few of us can afford. 
When you and I are married 

Thob. (advancing) Darling! (rushes to embrace 
her, she waves him off) 

Lucy. Stay where you are! All the back windows 
have eyes to them. Muslin curtains don't count. When 
we are married (crosses t,.) 

Thor. In fact, after to-morrow 

Lucy. Oh, Harry, do shut up a minute. You object 
to shams, how is a properly organised household to be 
carried on without 'em? (sits r. of breakfast table) 
Suppose I'm up to my neck in something important — • 
putting finishing touches to a new ball-dress, we'll say 
— and some female horror calls — mustn't I be out be- 
cause I happen to be at home? Deviation from the 
truth! My dear boy, I should deviate for all I was 
worth. So you got my letter? 

Thor. Yes. 

Lucy. And your answer? 

Thor. I posted it in our usual letter box. {going to 
tree) 

Lucy. All right, I'll get it directly. Does it give 
full directions? 

Thor. I think so. (comes c.) 

Lucy. Got the special license? 

Thor. Yes. (makes to embrace her, she puts him off 
and points to windoivs) 

Lucy. You've arranged with old Bristowe? 

Thor. Yes. 

Lucy. And we bike over to Ingledene Church — what 
time? Early of course? 

Thob. I said nine. 

Lucy. Very well, (rises) Now you'd better go. (he 
objects) They'll be coming out to breakfast. 

Thob. (again advancing) Darling! 

Lucy, (motions him off again) Back windows! 
(crosses up c. to house to see if they have been seen) 

Thob. (turning towards her) I was going to say 
that I can't help regretting the way we are treating 
Captain Dorvaston. 

Lucy. You mind your own business, (she crosses 
down R. and leans on rustic table) Captain Dorvaston 
is in my department. 

Thor. I never fully understood how you came to be 
engaged, (crosses to her) 

Lucy. Simple enough. My father was a colonel who 



6 LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 

did some rather big things on the Indian frontier, and 
in a dust up with one of the native Princes got him- 
self into rather a tight corner. Jack Dorvaston — he was 
only a subaltern then — pulled him out of it, and in fact 
saved his life; so when the governor died a year or two 
later, he left a strong wish behind that the Captain 
should marry me. 

Thoe. I understand. 

Lucy, (crosses round and sits on tree seat r.) It 
was a queer way of showing his gratitude, seeing that 
I was then a particularly unattractive child, all elbows 
and knees. 

Thoe. Lucy! 

Lucy. It's all right, don't be nervous; time has 
softened them down, (beckons him nearer) I have a 
notion that Jack has always funked the thing, but his 
colonel had given his orders, (he sits on table) don't 
you see? And that was enough for him. I don't regard 
discipline — military or parental — with the same amount 
of respect. British freedom means the right to make a 
fool of one's self in one's own way. You're my way, 
and that's enough for you. (he tries to take her hand, 
she draws it away) Back windows! 

Thoe. I suppose no one guesses that we ? 

Lucy. Mean business! No, with the exception possi- 
bly of Cook. 

Thoe. Cook! (he looks at her in surprise) 

Lucy. Somehow I've a notion she's tumbled to it. 

Thoe. Would it matter? Would she ? 

Lucy. Prattle about it? No, I think she rather likes 
me — tolerates would be a better word. 

Thob. Tolerates? A woman of that class? 

Lucy. Cook is a very great personage; she rules the 
vicarage. Auntie made a show of resistance at first, 
but Uncle and Jack have been abject slaves from the 
start. 

Thoe. Really? 

Lucy. Oh yes; when a woman is striking in ap- 
pearance, evidently has a past history, and can make an 
omelette, I don't see what's going to stop her. 

Thoe. What's her history? 

Lucy. How should I know? She was recommended 
to us by the Duchess of Sturton at the time she opened 
the bazaar — you remember. Local philanthropic? 

Thoe. Then you've nothing tangible to go on? 

Lucy. Not from a masculine standpoint. (rises) 
Cook doesn't give herself away, but, like Achilles, she 
has one vulnerable point, and in the same locality. 



LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 7 

Thob. How is that? (rising with Lucy) 

Lucy. She wears the neatest, quietest shoes imagin- 
able, only I happened to notice they have Louis heels 
(Jie looTcs in wonder) That tells you nothing — the in- 
ference is too subtle; but it's quite enough for me. 
(Gandy appears with butter on tray, he comes right 
of table) Make a dignified clerical exit — here comes 
Gandy. 

Thoe. {takes hat and hacks to c.) I think I won't 
wait, Miss Lucy. (Gandy coughs, Thorsby turns nerv- 
ously, and looks at him) So will you kindly give my 
message to Mr. Pillenger? 

Lucy. Certainly! 

Thob. Thank you. (crosses to gate l.) Good morn- 
ing! 

Lucy. Good morning. (he looks towards Lucy — 
catches Gandy's eye and exits through gate. Lucy is 
applauding his exit when Gandy turns and hides her 
action. Lucy sits on garden chair and opens the 
" Standard ") Gandy! what is there for breakfast? 
(Gandy has crossed to top of table and placed butter 
on it) 

Gan. H'eggs! 

Lucy. Poached? 

Gan. Biled. 

Lucy. Auntie said poached. 

Gan. Cook said biled. 

Lucy. Oh! There's some fish, isn't there? 

Gan. Kidneys. 

Lucy. But Auntie particularly mentioned fish. 

Gan. Cook thought kidneys would be preferable. 

Lucy. Oh! (she reads paper) 

(Me. Pillengee comes out c. looking at his watch.) 

PiL. Ah, Lucy! breakfast not ready? (Lucy rises 
and crosses to c.) 

Lucy. Breakfast is late — as usual. 

PiL. As usual? What do you mean by as usual? 

Lucy. I mean — as usual, (returns to seat) 

PiL. Cook is most punctual. If some trivial hitch 
has occurred this morning, I daresay a perfectly reason- 
able explanation will be forthcoming, (takes " Sport- 
ing Life " off table) 

Gan. Kidneys was late! (at table) 

PiL. Kidneys was late! (to Lucy) — er — were late. 
I knew it! That man Skeggs' meat — which I more than 
suspect of being colonial — is never delivered in time. 



8 LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 

{to Gandy) Explain to Cook that the delay is of no 
consequence, and beg her not to hurry. 

Gan. {speaking as he goes) She won't hurry! (he 
goes into the house; Pil. and Lucy look at each other; 
PiL. then opens paper and sees his mistake.) 

Pir,. {takes "Standard" from Lucy) If I shall not 
be depriving you of the " Standard " ? 

Lucy. Not at all! {she picks up "Sporting Life") 
I'll have a look at Jack's " Sporting Life." 

PiL. {crossing to table, turns to her) By the way, 
during the — I trust — brief interval of time that must 
elapse before your marriage with Captain Dorvaston, 
you might hint to him that the newspaper he favours 
is at variance with the general tone of a pious house- 
hold. 

Lucy. I'll mention it. 

Pil. I am obliged to you. {crosses and sits l.) 

(Miss Pillengeb comes out through French window.) 

Miss P. Good morning, Audley! 

Pil. Good morning. (Lucy rises, crosses and kisses 
Miss Pillenger and returns n.) 

Miss P. Well, Lucy! 

Lucy. Good morning, Auntie. 

Miss P. Is breakfast not ready? {looking at table 
through glasses) 

Pil. No, it isn't ready — not quite ready. I have no 
doubt it's nearly ready. 

Miss P. I shall really have to speak sharply to Cook. 
{moves towards kitchen) 

Pil. I see no necessity for any — er — drastic step of 
that description. The delay is due to that man Skeggs. 

Miss P. Skeggs? {retiirns to c.) 

Pil. Skeggs. It is also traceable, in a minor degree 
to yourself — your injudicious selection of kidneys. 

Miss P. Kidneys? 

Pil. Yes; you are aware of my preference for fish, 
and therefore I consider the substitution of kidneys 

Miss P. I ordered fish — and I did not order kidneys. 
Cook is entirely responsible for the change, and I shall 
certainly {moves towards kitchen again) 

Pil. Hannah! Hannah! If Cook understood your 
order, which is by no means obvious (Miss Pillengek 
crosses round and sits l.), she was doubtless influenced 
by — er — by Lucy's partiality for kidneys. 

Lucy. I never touch them. 



LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 9 

PiL. Well, she couldn't know that. Really I think 
this discussion has been sufficiently prolonged. 

(Gandy comes out with breakfast. He places large salver 
with tea in tea-pot, dish of kidneys, and eggs in stand 
on chair at top e. of table. Me. Pillenger hands 
him the " Standard," lohich he puts on back of chair. 
He then places eggs and dish of kidneys on table, takes 
tea-pot and tray up, and crosses to l. to place it in 
position; he then removes cover of kidney dish, and 
slowly exits through porch.) 

PiL. Here is the breakfast. Let us endeavor to ap- 
proach it in a seemly spirit. Where is Captain Dorvas- 
ton? (Lucy crosses to l.) Upon my word, Lucy, con- 
sidering the ties that will unite you, I hope very shortly, 
to Captain Dorvaston, I think he might conform to my 
rules. 

Lucy. Jack was late last night. (sits and takes 
napkin out of ring) 

PiL. He was. Creaking boots after midnight are a 
serious infliction. 

Lucy. I'll call up to him if you like. 

PiL. I should be indebted. (Lucy rises and goes up 
c. Mr. Pillenger takes napkin out of ring and puts it 
inside his collar) 

Lucy, (goes up stage) Jack! Jack! (Captain Dor- 
vaston opens window, he is in his shirt sleeves) 

Doe. Hulloa! 

Lucy. Breakfast! 

Dor. What say, little woman? 

Lucy. Breakfast! Kidneys! Devilled! (Mr. Pil- 
lenger, Miss Pillenger and Gandy all start) 

PiL. Tut! tut! Broiled— broiled! 

Doe. Right-0! down in a minute! {he shuts the 
window. Lucy returns to the table) 

Miss P. What are your plans for to-day, Audley? 
(Miss Pillenger has undone napkin and is pouring out 
tea) 

PiL. I expect to be rather busy. 

Lucy. It's sermon day, isn't it? (hands toast to Me. 
Pillengee, and takes an egg and toast herself) 

PiL. It is. So I trust your piano practice will be 
reduced to a minimum. 

Lucy. I'm going down to the village. I suppose 
you'll have broken the back of it by lunch time. 

PiL. Possibly — probably! 



10 LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 

(DoBVASTON comes out from French window; takes 
Lucy's hand between both his caressingly.) 

Dob. 'Fraid I'm a bit late. How are you, sir? (bow- 
ing to Me. Pillengeb and Miss Plllenger) 

PiL. In my ordinary health, I am obliged to you. 

Doe. You look astonishing fit. {sits) Now d'you 
know, I feel as jumpy as a flea. 

Miss P. Captain Dorvaston! 

Dob. Fact, ma'am! (takes his napkin out of ring) 
How are you this morning? 

Miss P. Without being actually indisposed, I feel 

(hands tea to Lucy) 

Dor. Chippy — I know; same here. Where are those 
kidneys you were shouting about, Lucy? (Mb. Pillen- 
geb hands them) Thanks! (Mr. Pillenger passes kid- 
neys to DoEVASTON, which he serves himself) 

Lucy. You kept it up again last night, Jack? 

Dob. I had a gentle flutter at the Plough and Rain- 
bow. There was a little pool, so of course I went in. 

Miss P. I hope you changed your things, (Dorvas- 
ton and Lucy laugh) Captain Dorvaston. Damp cloth- 
ing is so very dangerous. 

Lucy. Pool is a kind of billiards. Auntie. 

Miss P. Oh, I misunderstood! Your tea, Captain 
Dorvaston. (she hands tea to Dorvaston) 

Dor. Thank you, ma'am. (Pillenger hands salt, 
etc.) 

Lucy. How did you do over it? (hands toast to Dor- 
vaston ) 

Dor. So so. I took a few lives at the finish. 

Miss P. Dear me! It sounds rather a bloodthirsty 
pastime. 

Doe. There was a man there named Crayll — nailing 
good player! Potted 'em just as he liked. He seemed 
to be a thirsty little beggar. I should say he took a 
bit of knowing. 

Lucy. Who's that, Jack? 

Dor. This fellah (Crayll. He's stopping at the Plough 
and Thingummy — we're going to try a horse together. 

Lucy. To-day? 

Dob. Yes. Said he'd call round some time this morn- 
ing, (pause) 

PiL. Hannah, we must dine earlier this evening, in 
view of the Penny Reading. 

Dor. Another of those festive gatherings! Hope you 
don't expect me to tip 'em anything this time? 

PiL. No, Captain Dorvaston; your contribution on 



LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. H 

the last occasion may have been well intentioned — I 
judge no man, and will hope so 

Dor. Thought it was just the thing to wake 'em up 
after that Shakespearian bit of yours — The Ball of 
Worsted. 

PiL. The Fall of Wolsey! 

Miss P. I was not present last time. What did Cap- 
tain Dorvaston read? 

Dor. It was an account of the last American glove 
fight, don't you know? 

Miss P. Oh! 

PiL. Described with a wealth of technical detail. 
(hands his cup to Miss Pillenger) The whole occur- 
rence was most regrettable. I was observing, Hannah, 
we shall have to dine earlier 

Miss P. I had some idea of making it a cold meal. 

PiL. Cold meal! A most unpleasant suggestion. 
Cold food, especially in the evening, has a tendency to 
lie heavy on the stom — er — that is, I see nothing feasi- 
ble in the notion. 

Dor. Oh no, hang it all, ma'am! Cold stuff ain't the 
kind of thing to do a Penny Reading on. 

Miss P. I thought under the circumstances it might 
be easier for Cook. 

PiL. Eh? 

Dor. What? (long pause, the men look at her) 

Miss P. But as you both object 

Dob. Hold on, ma'am! 

PiL. One moment, Hannah! 

Miss P. I will explain to Cook. 

PiL. Hannah! Hannah! You're so hasty. 

Dor. Hannah — ma'am — pity to be hasty. 

PiL. If you will permit me to explain myself. Cap- 
tain Dorvaston? I have no wish, Hannah, to add weight 
to Cook's very arduous duties. 

Dob. Hear, hear! (slaps the table) 

PiL. (raising his voice) And therefore it seems to 
me — er — unmanly to lay stress upon possible digestive 
difficulties which fortitude and a little pepsin should 
enable us to face with calmness. Let the meal be a 
cold one. (Lucy has folded up napkin again, and taken 
" Standard " from back of chair, and is reading it) 

Dor. Point of fact, it makes a pleasant change. 

Miss P. But, Audley! 

PiL. The queston is decided. We will not pursue 
the subject, (pause) 

Dob. (to Lucy) Anything in the paper? 



12 LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 

Lucy. There's something about the Huntworth Di- 
vorce case. 

PiL. We have no wish to hear any news relating to 
such a matter. 

Doe. But it's an old business, ain't it? When I was 
at Malta last year, the chaps used to chat about it at 
mess. 

Lucy. Lord Huntworth brought the divorce didn't he? 

PiL. Yes, Lord Huntworth was the petitioner. It 
was a sad case. 

Dor. I know Bob Caruthers. 

Lucy. Who's he? {rises and crosses up to Dokvas- 
TON — still reading the paper) 

Doe. The co 

PiL. Tut! tut! 

Doe. Bob v/as an extraordinary good chap! 

PiL. How can any individual be described as good 
who has occupied the position of — er — a co-respondent? 

Doe. Bob managed it. 

PiL. You seem to ignore poor Lord Huntworth. 

Dor. Didn't know Huntworth — did know Bob. He 
once lent me a monkey when I wanted it badly — lent 
it when he wanted it badly. Devilish good chap! 

PiL. Tut! tut! 

Dor. Beg pardon, sir — slipped out. 

Lucy. Did you know Lady Huntworth, Jack? 
(crosses to r. and sits under tree) 

Doe. No. Heard she was a nice woman. 

PiL. Nice? 

Dob. So fellahs who met her used to say. 

Miss P. But I always understood the suit was unde- 
fended. 

PiL. Entirely undefended. 

Doe. Matrimonial thimblerig is a confusing game to 
watch. 

PiL. Thimblerig? 

Dob. Three thimbles, don't you know? Husband- 
wife — and the other chap. (Mr. Pillengeb looks up) 
Well, what I meant to say was, it ain't easy for the 
looker-on to say which thimble the fault is under. By- 
tlie-bye, I saw something in the paper about Lady 
Huntworth the other day. 

PiL. Surely the whole affair is uninteresting and 
unsavory? 

Dor. Noosance to forget a thing! What was the bit 
you were reading, Lucy? 

Lucy. That yesterday the rule was made absolute. 
What does that mean? 



LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. I3 

Dor. Only that the time was up. They keep 'em in 
blinkers for six months after the verdict. (Dorvaston 
draws napkin through the ring) But that wasn't what 
I read? What the devil was it now? 

PiL. Tut! Really! Really! I think we've all fin- 
ished, haven't we? (Gandy appears ivith letters, three 
of which Mr. Pillengeb takes, and two Miss Pillenger) 
Hannah, you will probably wish to interview Cook. 
(Dorvaston rises, takes chair r., sits and begins to load 
his pipe) 

Miss P. I will see her in your presence. (Gandy 
has come hack to top of table) Gandy, will you ask 
Cook to come to me? I wish to give her my orders. 

Gan. H'orders? (Dorvaston fills pipe and lights it) 

Miss P. Orders. 

Gan. I'll name it to her. (slowly exits through porch) 

PiL. {opening letter, which he holds during the 
whole scene with Cook) Hannah, I would suggest that 
whatever you have to say to Cook may be said calmly 
and without undue severity. 

Miss P. (opening letters which she holds during the 
whole scene with Cook) That should be left to my dis- 
cretion; a stand must be made somewhere. 

(Caboline has come out of kitchen during this; she 
advances to the table.) 

Car. You wished to speak to me? (the men turn 
and face her) 

Miss P. Yes, Cook. I want to give you the orders 
for to-day's dinner. 

Car. Certainly! What do you fancy? What would 
you all like? (she glances rou,nd, both men beam at 
her) 

Miss P. Before we speak of that I have a word to 
say with regard to the breakfast. 

Car. To-morrow's breakfast? 

Miss P. No, to-day's. I am very much astonished and 
annoyed. 

PiL. Tut, tut! 

Car. What was wrong with the breakfast? When I 
sent it out it looked all right. 

Miss P. Why were my directions disregarded? I 
ordered the eggs to be poached — you boiled them; I 
mentioned fried bacon — none came to table; I requested 
you to procure fish — you gave us kidneys. Now what 
have you to say? 



14 LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 

Car. I'm afraid I forgot about the eggs? I haven't 
any other excuse to offer. 

PiL. A most reasonable explanation! 

Dor. Things do slip one's memory. (Miss Pillen- 
GER glares at Dorvaston) 

Car. I didn't cook any bacon; it had got rather low, 
and I didn't think the result would please you. 

PiL. Impossible to cut rashers from bacon that is — 
er — practically non-existent. 

Dor. Thing no fellah could do! (Miss Pillenger 
glares at him) 

Car. I remember you did mention fish, but you've 
had a good deal of fish lately, so I thought I'd try you 
with kidneys. But if there has been any inconvenience, 
I'm sorry. 

PiL. There has been no inconvenience. 

Dor. None at all. (Miss Pillenrer glares at Dor- 
vaston ) 

PiL. Hannah, I think we may pass (as they say in 
the House of Commons) to the orders of the day. 

Dor. Hear, hear! (Pillenger looks at him) 

Miss P. Well, Cook, since you express your regret 
(Dorvaston and Lucy laugh) I will say no more. Now 
as to this evening, you will be in sole charge of the 
house, {both men look up) as I have given Keziah per- 
mission to go to the Penny Reading — so I think we 
will make it a cold meal, as that will entail less wash- 
ing up. 

Car. Just as you like. 

Miss P. We will begin with salmon. 

Car. (reflectively) Salmon? Yes, you might have 
salmon. 

Miss P. Pickled salmon. 

Car. Oh, no, not pickled! (both men shake their 
heads) That would be a pity! I'll make you a mayon- 
naise. 

PiL. Delightful! 

Dor. Rippin'! 

Car. I shall want some lettuces. I'll tell Gandy. 

Miss P. After that we will have two cold ducklings. 

Car. Ducklings? It's late for ducklings. 

PiL. Maturity in poultry is to be deprecated. 

DoR. Leathery beasts at this time of the year. (Miss 
Pillenger glares at Dorvaston) 

Miss P. Then why not a gosling? 

Car. It's early for geese. 

Dor. Deuced early! 

PiL. Entirely premature. 



LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 15 

Miss P. When I mentioned a goose I was thinking 
of Mr. Pillenger. (Dorvaston and Lucy laugh) 

PiL. Tut, tut! Hannah! 

Dor. Hope, ma'am, when you mentioned a duck, you 
were thinking of me. 

Miss P. I fail to understand you. My brother is ex- 
ceedingly partial to goose. 

Car. There's a ham in cut, so I think we'd better 
fall back on fowls. It isn't easy to do anything very 
novel with cold fowls, but if I stuff and glaze them, I've 
no doubt they'll pass muster. 

Miss P. But, Cook, I 

Car. You like sweets, of course? 

Miss P. Certainly, you had better make us 

Car. Will you leave the sweets to me? I want to 
try a new kind of fruit salad; it's my first attempt, 
but you'll find it will be all right — and perhaps I might 
throw in a shape of jelly — we'll see. 

Miss P. But 

Car. What time will you dine? — at least it isn't din- 
ner — what time will you sup? 

Miss P. At seven to-night, instead of half-past. 

Car. Seven! I shall be ready. Is there anything 
else you wish to say to me? 

Miss P. No, Cook; I don't suppose anything will be 
gained by my saying any more, (turns away and reads 
letters) 

Car. Very good! (takes kidney dish off tahle, Mr. 
Pillenger assisting her; she crosses c.) 

Dor. (speaking eagerly) Ah! here's that bit about 
Lady Huntworth. (Caroline looks round at him in a 
startled manner) It's in the Agony column, (reads) 
" Will Lady Huntworth communicate with Messrs. 
Brampton and Stokes, Capel Court, on a matter of con- 
siderable importance?" 

PiL. Why should we resume the discussion of that 
disgraceful woman? (Caroline turns and looks at him,) 

Miss P. Why, indeed? (Caroline looks at her) 

Dor. (to Lucy) When we were talking just now, 
couldn't remember where I'd read that. Hate to forget 
a thing. 

Miss P. Cook! (Caroline stands thinking quietly) 
Cook! 

Car. I — beg your pardon! 

Miss P. We needn't keep you, if you quite under- 
stand about the supper. 

Car. Oh, quite, thanks! (exit into kitchen; Dorvas- 
ton rises, looks after her u. b.) 



16 LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 

Miss P. Don't you think that woman has a very 
singular manner? 

PiL. Singular! No, she is certainly superior — very 
superior. 

Miss P. {rises, crosses c. ) She is so superior that 
she seems above taking my orders. 

(Gandy comes out during this and continues clearing 
away. He places Me. Pillenger's chair up b. c. and 
Miss Pillenger's chair up l. above gate. Folds cloth 
over tray, and takes it into the kitchen. Then comes 
back, folds up table and takes it away into house be- 
fore cue, " This is July.") 

Dor. I wouldn't say that, (crosses to c), ma'am; she 
met you half way over the salmon, (returns to toin- 
dow. Miss Pillengeb goes up with dignity and enters 
house through French roindoui) 

Pn,. (rises, crosses c.) Thorsby is late. I expected 
him to call. 

Lucy. He came early this morning, but he wouldn't 
wait. 

PiL. Tut, tut! He knows I wished to see him. I 
have two christenings at one-thirty, and an interment at 
three. However, Lucy and — er — Captain Dorvaston 
(crosses and brings Dorvaston down) as you are to- 
gether for once — I will avail myself of the opportunity 
to say a few serious words to you both. (Dorvaston 
and Lucy look at each other nervously) 

Dor. Peg away, sir! (Lucy stands near table a. 
Dorvaston stands centre) 

PiL. I have no wish to appear unduly inquisitive on 
a subject with which I have merely an indirect concern 
(sits R. of table) but may I enquire if you have fixed the 
time that will make you both — that will make us ail 
happy? (puts arm on table and leans back. Lucy and 
Dorvaston again look at each other) Has a date been 
arrived at? 

Lucy. Not precisely. 

Dor. Not to a day or so. 

PiL. Have you settled on the week or the month? 

Dor. No, we haven't got as far as that. But some- 
thing was said about the autumn. 

Lucy. The late autumn. 

PiL. (has been leaning his arm on the table — noio 
sits up and faces them) The late autumn! (sits up) 
But last autumn something was said about the early 
spring; the question was then relegated to the late sum- 



LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 17 

mer. This is July, and wtiere are we? (he leans back 
and is about to rest his arm on table, but Gandy has 
just removed it, with the result that he loses his bal- 
ance and comes on his hand. Dorvaston goes to his 
assistance) 

Doe. Allow me, sir! 

PiL. Thank you. I was unaware that Gandy had 
removed the table. But, to resume what I was saying — 
can you give me any definite information? 

Dor. You see, sir, I haven't worried Lucy, because 
I know girls are apt to be a bit — a bit 

PiL. Well? 

Dor. Noosance! I've lost a word. Girls are apt to 
be a bit 

Lucy. Coy. 

Dor. That's it! Thanks, little woman — a bit coy. 
(comes to Pillenger) 

PiL. Coy! (rises, comes c.) Well, the expression 
hardly seems to me to convey Lucy's habitual de- 
meanour; but in any case she is of age. (to Lucy) 
You were twenty-one last week I think? 

Lucy. Yes, I was. 

PiL. Your small fortune is carefully tied up. 

DoK. Quite right, sir, so it ought to be. 

PiL. Captain Dorvaston (patting him on the shoul- 
der) is in a firm financial position. 

Dor. Pretty fair as things go. 

PiL. Then why any further delay? Why not Aug- 
ust? Nice seaside month. My own thoughts are turn- 
ing towards Eastbourne. 

Dor. I had an offer from a fellah I know to go halves 
in a shoot this August, (going to Lucy) but I wouldn't 
let that stand in the way, not for a moment. 

Lucy. Thanks, Jack, (crosses down r. a little) 

Pit.. Take my advice, let no trivial obstacle inter- 
vene between you. Let there be no postponement or in- 
terruption. 

Dor. There shan't be, sir. (Caroline comes out 
from porch) 

PiL. That's well! (they shake hands) That's well! 

Car. Gandy! (both men turn round to her without 
releasing hands) 

PiL. Do you want anything, Cook? (crosses up to 
her L.) 

Dor. Anything I could do? (they both go up, Dor- 
vaston on her r.) 

Cab. I wanted Gandy for a second. 

PiL. Certainly. He was here just now. 

.2 



18 LADY HUNT WORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 

•Doe. Saw him a minute ago. 

PiL. I'll call him. {goes l. ) Gandy! 

Dob. Fancy he went this way. (goes r. ) Gandy! 

PiL. Sorry to detain you! Gandy! 

Dor. Noosance having to wait! Gandy! 

Car. Pray don't bother about it; I only wanted him 
to pick me some parsley. 

PiL. No trouble at all. Where is Gandy? 

Dor. What's happened to the beggar? Could I — er — 
take on the job? 

PiL. Tut, tut! absurd! How should you know the 
proper way to — er — pick parsley? 

Dor. Never too old to learn, sir. (to Caroline) 
Where should I be likely to drop across it? 

Cab. There's a small parsley bed over there (she 
points left) 

Dor. Right-0! (crosses l., kneels) 

Car. But it's really too bad to trouble you. (crosses 
c. Mb. Pillengeb goes with Caroline on her l. ) 

Doe. Not a bit! To oblige you I'd pick oakum! 
(he kneels and picks parsley) 

PiL. I — er — regret — that — er — the absence of Gandy 
— as to which I shall require some explanation, should 
have caused you all this inconvenience. 

Car. It doesn't signify. Captain Dorvaston is doing 
the work very nicely. 

Dor. Fact is I've broken out in a new place. Where 
shall I put the pieces? (holding up parsley) 

Car. In this dish. (Mr. Pillenger takes dish from 
her, and Dorvaston snatches it from him, — puts parsley 
in it, and holds it out) 

Dor. It's very easy when you get into the swing of 
it. Will that be enough? 

Car. Plenty, thanks. 

Dor. There! (rises, crosses to hand her bowl; Pil- 
lenger trying to get hold of it) 

Car. I'm much obliged. 

Dor. Don't you think I should make a good gar- 
dener? 

Cab. Capital, I should say. (crosses to porch) 

PiL. Tut! tut! (she goes up stage) 

Dor. Cook! Cook! (she turns round) If I try for 
the situation will you give me a character? 

Cab. I'm afraid I haven't one to spare! (he laughs; 
she returns to the kitchen) 

Dob. (going up to window, then turns to Pillengeb) 
By George she's a devilish — er 



LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 19 

PiL. Tut! tut! (up L. c; Lucy knocks on the table 
two or three times to draio their attention) 

Dor. Just so, sir; but I mean she is — don't you know 
— isn't she? 

PiL. (crosses doion l. c.) She is undoubtedly pos- 
sessed of great refinement for anyone in her present 
sphere. 

Doe. Refinement! (crosses down s. c.) 

PiL. We gathered from the Duchess of Sturton that 
Cook had seen better days. Her Grace is somewhat 
vague conversationally; but we understood as much as 
that. 

Dob. (confidentially, he hides Lucy from Pillen- 
gek's view) Funny thing a woman like that should be 
running loose. Odd she hasn't married some fellah. 

PiL. It is singular — in fact remarkable. For a cer- 
tain type of man she would make — I should say — an 
admirable wife. 

Dor. Just the wife for a soldier man! 

PiL. Pardon me, I disagree with you. No — she has 
a quietude, a dignified reserve — that would fit her to 
preside over the household of a staid medical man — 
or a barrister in fair practice — who was no longer young 

— or even — a — a (catches Dokvaston's eye) But 

we're wasting the morning, (crosses l.) 

Lucy. Don't say that, uncle, (they hoth stare at 
her) 

PiL. Lucy! (crosses to top of chair e.) 

Dor. HuUoa, little woman! Still there? 

Lucy. Yes, I'm still here. 

Dor. By George, sir, (crosses and sits on chair fac- 
ing the others) weren't we all chatting over something? 

PiL. I — er — think I was urging you both — to — er 

Lucy. You were urging us to name the day — and to 
avoid any kind of trivial interruption, (the men look 
at each other) 

PiL. I — believe that is so. 

Lucy. And Jack agreed. 

Dor. Yes. 

Lucy. And I chimed in with the general sentiment. 
But of course — at the time — it was impossible to fore- 
see the parsley, (the two men exchange glances — she 
rises) I'm going down to the village. I punctured a 
tire yesterday, and I've got to fetch my bike. 

PiL. I must get to work. I'm late as it is. (crosses 
c. looking at watch) 

Dor. Make it a ten minutes' sermon, sir, weather's 
extr'ordinary hot. 



20 LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 

PiL. I beg, Captain Dorvaston, you will spare me 
any such irreverent suggestions; and I trust that if 
you must sleep in a sacred edifice, you will render your 
slumber less aggressive, {moves to French window) 

Lucy. You do snore. Jack — you nearly drowned the 
second lesson last Sunday. 

PiL. {turning to Lucy) You are not blameless. As 
his future wife, it is your duty — and — er — privilege — 
to nudge him. For what purpose has Heaven given 
you elbows? {he goes into house. Slight pause. Dor- 
vaston puts pipe away. Lucy crosses up, turns to chair 
R.) 

Lucy. Jack! 

Dor. Yes, little woman? 

Lucy. Do you care for me? 

Dor. 'Course I do! 

Lucy. How much? {crosses to chair and kneels on 
it) 

Dor. How much? {rises, crosses c.) Well, I'm a 
bad hand at explaining things. 

Lucy. For instance, would you give up a big thing 
for my sake? 

Dor. What sort of big thing? 

Lucy. An Empire? 

Dor. Oh, yes. 

Lucy. A peerage? 

Dob. Oh, Lord, yes! 

Lucy. Would you give up — a dish of parsley? 

Dor. {l07ig puzzled look) What do you mean? I 
— don't understand. 

Lucy. You're a humbug! 

Dor. Sorry you think that. 

Lucy. Well, do something to please me. 

Dor. Anything I can. 

Lucy. Fetch me an orchid, {he looks surprised) to 
wear this evening — there are lots in the orchid house 
— will you? 

Dob. 'Course I will. 

Lucy. Thanks. (Dorvaston crosses up b. Lucy 
crosses l. c, and Dorvaston crosses down to her) 

Dor. {places hands upon Lucy's shoulder and speak- 
ing over her shoulder) Little woman! Ever since the 
time when your dear old dad first gave us the word 
of command, I've always had a pretty clear notion 
where the word duty came in; so when once you've 
pulled yourself together, and named the day, I mean 
to pull myself together and do my level damnedest to 
make you happy. D'you see? {turns her round) 



LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 21 

Lucy, (facing him) Yes, I see. (puts hand on his 
shoulder) I'm quite sure you mean all you say, and 
it's nice of you to say it, and to mean it. The only thing 
is, you seem to be entering upon a matrimonial cam- 
paign without any transports. 

DoK. I don't follow. 

Lucy, (takes him by the lapels of coat) When I 
said you were a humbug, I meant there is one person 
you are always trying to deceive. 

Dor. Who's that? 

Lucy. Jack Dorvaston! (he looks bewildered) 
Don't you mind what I say; go and fetch my orchid. 
(turns him round and pushes him aioay. He pauses, 
rubs his head reflectively, and at last strolls off k. Lucy 
goes over to the tree and sits for a moment in thought. 
She suddenly remembers the letter in tree, and jumps 
on seat to get it. Caroline has come out, bringing with 
her two pudding basins which she places on the seat 
under the garden window: she comes down to table k. 
to take up the neiospaper, she catches sight of Lucy 
who is trying to get the letter out of cavity) 

Car. (coming c.) Shall I do that? 

Lucy. Oh, Cook, is that you? (turning quickly) 
You startled me. 

Car. Did I? I'm sorry. 

Lucy. What was it you said? 

Car. I offered to get your letter for you. I have a 
longer reach. 

Lucy. What letter? (jumps down) 

Car. The latest one from Mr. Thorsby. 

Lucy. Cook! How dare you? 

Cab. I'm not naturally timid. 

Lucy. You are excessively impertinent. 

Car. Am I? Very likely. But as that is your opin- 
ion, I'll chance a rather rude question — When are you 
going to bolt with Mr. Thorsby? 

Lucy. What do you mean? I'm foolish to listen to 
you at all. I shall go to my uncle and aunt and tell 
them what you've just said, (comes close to Cook, then 
wavers and takes a step back) 

Car. (pause) If I am mistaken about you and Mr. 
Thorsby, you would be quite right to tell them. Am I 
mistaken? (Lucy tries to brave her, but her head droops) 
Quite so! Then I think I would get the compromising 
letter out of the tree and say no more about it — un- 
less you'll let me do it. (makes a movement to get 
letter) 

Lucy. Oh, no! (she jumps hastily on seat and gets 



22 LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 

letter) There! I don't care if you do know. Anybody 
may know after to-morrow. 

Car. So it's to be to-morrow? 

Lucy, (jumps down) Yes, it is. I am bound to 
trust you — I can't help myself; so if you choose to 
give the whole thing away, you can. 

Car. I shan't do that. On the contrary, I should 
like to do any little thing I could to help you. (Lucy 
looks in wonder) 

Lucy. Thank you. (slight pause; sits) How did 
you find out — about — us? (looking at Cook) 

Car. (goes up a step) Two or three Sundays ago — 
I was coming home about ten in the evening — it was my 
Sunday out — and as I came round the corner, you and 
Mr. Thorsby were outside the gate. 

Lucy. Oh! (her eyes drop) 

Car. You were supposed to be spending the evening 
with your friend Mrs. Bronson, if you remember? 

Lucy. Yes. 

Car. You didn't hear me coming and Mr. Thorsby 
said good-night to you. 

Lucy. Oh! 

Cab. He said it — very thoroughly. 

Lucy. Yes — I believe he did. 

Car. That was how I found out. 

Lucy, (after slight pause) How funny it seems to 
be talking to you about it all. What did you think — 
when you saw — what you saw? 

Car. I was rather amused. 

Lucy. What did you think of mef 

Car. Need we go into that? 

Lucy. I should like you to say. 

Car. Well, to tell you the truth, I thought you 
weren't going quite straight. 

Lucy. Because of Captain Dorvaston? 

Car. Yes. 

LucY'. I don't care for Captain Dorvaston — and I do 
care for Mr. Thorsby. Surely it's better to marry the 
man you love? 

Car. I daresay it would be. I have nothing to say 
against Mr. Thorsby — he seems a very pleasant young 
fellow. I shouldn't think he would take to drink (Lucy 
looks in surprise) or turn out badly to any special ex- 
tent. Of course, one can't tell beforehand. 

Lucy. Cook! (surprised) 

Cab. It would be all right if you weren't engaged to 
another man. 

Lucy. But Jack isn't in love with me! (rises) 



LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 23 

Cab. You think not? 

Lucy. He likes me, and he wouldn't admit to any- 
body — certainly not to himself — that I wasn't all the 
world to him, and a bit over; but in the way of real 
love he doesn't care a rap for me. He doesn't care — a 
sprig of parsley! {they look at each other. Cook smiles, 
and then Lucy takes it up) 

Cae. Ah! that makes a difference, (slight pause) 
Well, I must see to the mayonnaise, (she turns and 
goes up to the seat under the kitchen window, she begins 
to break eggs into the basin. Lucy goes up to porch 
and sits on it, leaning her head against the pillar) 

Lucy. Do you know, I think you've been trying to 
be very kind to me? 

Car. Not at all. 

Lucy. I was wondering — if you would tell me a little 
— about yourself. 

Car. Tell you what? 

Lucy. Tell me — about — your life. 

Car. My life! No. It's waste of time to discuss 
failures. 

Lucy. You are a riddle — because you are — pardon 
me — a lady. 

Car. Well? 

Lucy. And yet — yet — (looking away) Who are you? 
What are you? 

Car. The Vicar's cook, (their eyes meet) You will 
do me a favor. Miss Pillenger, if you will leave it at 
that. 

Lucy. Oh, certainly! I'm sorry. I didn't mean to 
be inquisitive. 

(Church clock chimes the half -hour.) 

Car. I'm sure you didn't. 

Lucy. I ought to go down to the village, (crosses 
to French window) 

Car. (takes up fork and begins to stir eggs) Don't 
let me make you late for any appointment. (Cook puts 
boivl on window; Lucy tries to laugh, and exits through 
French window) 

(Dorvaston enters with large orchid.) 

Dor. Here you are, little woman, (looks for Lucy) 

Car. She has gone down to the village. 

Dor. Hulloa! Are you there. Cook? (goes to her) 

Cab. Yes. 



24 LADY HUNTWOETH'S EXPERIMENT. 

Dob. Doing a bit of al fresco cooking? 

Car. I'm mixing the mayonnaise. 

Dor. Are you, by George! That's devilish interest- 
ing. I suppose, now, the Icitchen's a bit hot for things 
that go off color. 

Car. Yes. 

Dor. Eggs, for instance, {sits r. of Cook) I suppose 
you start with eggs as a ground plan — and then — and 
then you beat 'em. I often thought I should like to 
beat eggs, (seriously) 

Car. (rising) You can beat these; at least, you can 
stir them, if you've a fancy that way. I want to baste 
my two fowls. 

Dor. Oh! (disappointed, stops stirring) 

Car. (she gives him the basin; pause; rises and 
turns to porch) Don't leave off stirring till I come 
back. 

Dor. (beginning to stir) Not for worlds. (Cook 
turns) But basting now, basting must be an unusual 
engrossing branch of the science. Couldn't I come and 
watch you baste? 

Car. (standing at entrance to porch) No; go on 
with the eggs please. That orchid seems rather in 
your way. 

Dor. Got it for Lucy to wear to-night. 

Car. Give it me. 

Dor. Thanks! (gives it to her) 

Car. Tell her I'm taking care of it. (going) 

Dor. I say. Cook! 

Car. (pausing) Yes. 

Dor. I want awfully to have a chat with you. (edg- 
ing to end of bench) 

Car. You're chatting now. (leans against post and 
faces Dorvaston) 

Dor. Can't talk here — people about — and there's the 
basting. 

Car. That's true. 

Dor. You'll be all alone this evening. Don't fancy 
I shall want much of the Penny Reading — a ha'porth 
will be plenty. Thought I'd stroll back — and then, don't 
you understand? 

Car. I think I understand you, but I'm doubtful if 
you quite understand me. I've an idea that what you 
want to say wouldn't interest me at all. 

Dor. (rises) You're wrong. I don't mean an atom 
of harm — swear I don't. What I want to say I would 
say before anybody — only I'd rather talk it over quietly. 
May I come? 



LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 



25 



Cak. If you like. 

Dob. Then you believe in me? 

Cab. (pauses) Yes, I think I do. What time are 
you likely to be back? 

Dob. Round about nine thirty. 

Cab. Nine thirty! All right! Don't forget to stir 
the eggs (he begins eagerly) Very gently, (enters porch 
and then kitchen. Dorvaston watches her off and is 
looking through window, still stirring, when Piixenger 
comes out of French window) 

PiL. Captain Dorvaston! Captain Dorvaston! Cap- 
tain Dorvaston! (Dorvaston turns to him) If you are 
at leisure I should be glad if (seeing basin and point- 
ing to it) What is that? 

Dor. Fancy they call it a pudden basin. 

PiL. What are you ? why should you ? 

Dor. I'm stirring the eggs for the mayonnaise. 
Cook asked me to. 

PiL. Tut, tut! I have received a letter from the 
lawyers, respecting the draught copy of your marriage 
settlement. I gave it to you. May I ask you to fetch 
it! 

Dob. Just now, sir? 

PiL. Naturally. Why not? 

Dob. Promised I wouldn't leave off stirring. Look 
here, sir, if I fetch the paper, will you go on with the 
eggs? (gives him basin — they both stir — so as not to 
stop) 

PiL. Well, rather than cause — er — domestic incon- 
venience (takes basin) but have the goodness to make 
haste. The position is not without embarrassment. 

Dor. I'll look sharp, sir. (crosses up back) Don't 
forget to stir very gently. 

PiL. The caution is quite superfluous, (crosses to 
back of chair r.) 

(Miss Pillenger comes out followed by Lucy; both, 
dressed for walking.) 



Doe. Hulloa, ma'am! Going for a prowl? 

Miss P. Fowl? (crosses c.) 

PiL. Tut, tut! (conceals the basin behind him) 

Miss P. (crossing to him) You here, Audley? I am 
accompanying Lucy to the village. I imagined you were 
writing your sermon. 

PiL. I have been delayed by — er — unforeseen inter- 
ruptions (DoBVASTON tells Lucy about basin; she 



26 LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 

goes up behind Pillenger and taps it) You are your- 
self wasting the freshness of the morning. 

Miss P. I thought the moment was opportune for 
the purchase of your new socks. 

PiL. Tut, tut! 

Miss P. But you have given me no instructions as 
to pattern or texture. 

PiL. Both are indifferent to me. I rely on your taste 
and judgment. 

Miss P. I will go then, (she moves l.;Dokvaston 
opens gate and stands talking to her; Lucy laughs) 

PiL. What is amusing you, Lucy? 

Lucy. I was laughing because 

PiL. I have no wish to hear. I object to frivolity. 

Lucy. Do you, uncle? (crosses l. ) Wait for me, 
Auntie, (turns to Dorvaston) Jack, where's my orchid? 

Dor. Cook is taking care of it. 

Lucy, (looking at Pillenger) What a treasure 
Cook is. (looking at Dorvaston) I wonder what any 
of us would do without her? (exit. The two men face 
each other for a second) 

Dor. (laughs) Sorry I let you in, sir, (coming c.) 
but Lucy won't say anything. I'll be back directly — • 
and, I say, you won't forget to stir very gently? (exit 
off) 

PiL. (angrily) No, I won't! No, I won't! No, I 
won't (crosses; sits r. of table, stirs violently for a 
moment, then remembers and slows down; Cook comes 
out) 

Car. Captain Dorvaston! (sees Pillenger) Is Cap- 
tain Dorvaston (he turns round) Oh, you've got 

it! (comes to top of table) 

PiL. The basin? Yes. I was compelled to interrupt 
Captain Dorvaston, so I was endeavoring to supply his 
place; I fear with poor results, (puts paper on seat) 

Car. Let me look? (takes basin, crosses a little c.) 
Thanks, (she looks at it) Oh, no — it's all right. 

PiL. I am relieved to hear it. Still, it probably needs 
the — er — hum — the final touch of the artist, (she turns 
to go) You don't care for — er — compliments? 

Car. (looking round) No! (coming c.) 

PiL. Rather an unkind restriction. 

Car. a bird of some experience is apt to change its 
first opinion of bird-lime. 

PiL. Yes, very true. But compliments that are the 
expression of honest and — er — respectful appreciation — 
what of them? 

Car. I don't know. I've never met that kind of 



LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 27 

compliment. If you'll excuse me, I'll go back to the 
fowls, (going up) 

PiL. {he follows her between tree and table to porch) 
I have no right to detain you from more congenial so- 
ciety, (door bell heard) But I have something I partic- 
ularly wish to say to you. (she looks at him) Some- 
thing I wish to explain. 

Car. Certainly! What is it? 

PiL. My explanation might — in fact, would occupy 
some time, (door bell heard more violently) The pres- 
ent moment is obviously ill-chosen for the purpose. 
You will be the sole occupant of the house this evening. 

Car. Shall I? 

PrL. Everybody — Keziah included — is going to the 
Penny Reading — even Gandy has asked permission to 
visit his aged mother. 

Cab. Has he an aged mother? I didn't know. 

PiL. He doesn't lay much stress on her — she suffers 
from spasms, and is a Nonconformist. 

Car. Well? 

PiL. I thought if I came back early from the Parish 
room, I could explain what I — er — wish to explain. 
(very violent ring at bell without interruption) 

Cab. You would discuss this all-important matter 
in the kitchen? 

PiL. If you — er — see no objection. 

Cab. It's your kitchen, and your responsibility; but 
if I were you I wouldn't explain. 

PiL. Do you prohibit me from doing so? 

Car. No, come if you like. What time am I to ex- 
pect you? 

PiL. About nine o'clock. It's a quiet hour, and us- 
ually free from callers. 

Car. We'll hope it will prove so. Very well — till 
nine o'clock then, (she goes into kitchen — he crosses 
up to French loindow at Cook's exit, still looking after 
her, buried in thought. Cratll comes through gate- 
way, stands at steps, sees Pillenger and speaks) 

Cray. Mornin'! (Pillenger does not hear, so Crayll 
prods him in back with stick) Mornin'. 

PiL. Eh! Oh, good morning! (comes c.) 

Cray. What time's the funeral? 

Pill. Funeral ? 

Cray. Ain't anybody dead? I rang your beastly 
front door bell till my arm ached; so I turned it up 
and came round to the back. 

PiL. My butler — er — my male servant — is rather 



28 LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 

remiss. But to the best of my knowledge, he is still 
alive. 

Cray. Damn sorry for it. 

PiL. Tut, tut! 

Cray. What's the matter? 

PiL. I cannot countenance such language. My sacred 
calling 

Cray, {looking at him more attentively) Oh, I see! 
Didn't know you were a magpie. Come to think of it, 
s'pose I passed your place of business a little way up 
the road, {pointing up l.) 

PiL. Er — hum — yes. 

Cray. Oh, well then, I take back the damn. After 
all, it don't do to open one's front door too quick. S'pose 
you thought I was the Water Rate, {puts foot on chair, 
pulls out handkerchief, and dusts hoot) 

PiL. No, sir. 

Cray. Gas? 

PiL. Certainly not. 

Cray. Then what the devil did you think? {dusts 
other boot) 

PiL. I had no theory on the subject; and as to your 
language — I really must beg 

Cray. Beg? Yes, that's your trade. Same time I'll 
take back the devil. We don't often part company. 
Talking of the devil, did you ever have D.T.? 

PiL. D.T.? D.T.? If you refer to the "Daily Tele- 
graph," I usually read the " Standard." 

Cray. No, no! D.T. Jim-jams! 

PiL. Jim-jams? 

Cray. Delirium tremens — ever had 'em? 

PiL. Eh? What? Never, sir, never! 

Cray. Lucky beast! Well, when you do have 'em, 
you'll know 'em again. I've had *em twice. 

PiL. Really! 

Cray. The last bout was a blazer. A man generally 
sees snakes, or rats, or spiders. It was spiders with 
me. {makes movement of spider on Pillenger's chest) 

PiL. Was it indeed? 

Cray. Yes — fat brutes with as many legs to 'em as 
an Empire ballet — all over the walls by day — all over 
the bed at night. If you lit a candle you saw 'em — if 
you didn't you felt 'em. Pah! filthy devils! {sits ex- 
hausted) Could I have a whiskey and soda? 

PiL. You haven't mentioned the object of your visit. 

Cray. Man named Dorvaston hangs out here, don't 
he? 

PiL. Captain Dorvaston is my guest at present. 



LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 29 

Cray. Thought so. Promised to look him up. 
We're goin' to price a horse — a nailer — risin' thirteen 
— and well up to Dorvaston's weight — which is sayin' 
somethin'. 

PiL. Captain Dorvaston's physique is substantial. 

Cray. If he stood on your foot, I expect you'd ask 
him to move. 

PiL. Probably! 

Cray. He's goin' to be somethin' to you by marriage, 
ain't he? 

PiL. He is affianced to my niece. 

Cray. Hope he'll like it. (takes cigar out of case) 

PiL. "Why should he not, sir? 

Cray. I daresay you stick up for marriage — double 
blessedness and all that kind of muck, (biting end of 
cigar) 

PiL. I regard the married state as best calculated 
to confer the greatest happiness that — er — the 

Cray. Have you ever bin married? (looking up at 
Mm) 

PiL. No. 

Cray, (lights cigar) I thought not. You beggars 
are always jawin' about what you don't understand. 
You've never had D.T., but that wouldn't stop you preach- 
ing about drink. You've never bin married, and yet 
you get up in the pulpit and talk about Hell as if you 
knew the country. 

PiL. May I ask, Mr. — er 

Cray. Crayll. 

PiL. May I enquire, Mr. Crayll, if you are married? 

Cray, (blows out light and smiles) Not at present. 

(DoRVASTON comes out.) 

PiL. Ah! Here is Captain Dorvaston. 

DoR. (coming to Pillenger c.) There's the paper 
you wanted, sir. It took a bit of finding. Keziah 
cleaned my room out yesterday, (gives it to him) 
HuUoa, Crayll! (slaps him on back and crosses l.) 

Cray. Hulloa! (rises) 

PiL. (to Dorvaston) Now you have come, I will 
ask Mr. Crayll to excuse me. 

Cray. Don't name it. (crosses to l.) Dorvaston 
will see to me. I daresay he knows where the 
whiskey's kept. (Dorvaston laughs and goes up a 
step or tioo with Pillenger) 

PiL. (aside) Surely a most offensive person, (crosses 
up) 



30 LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 

DOK. He's all right, sir. He takes a bit of knowing. 
(PiLLENGEK Qoes into the house) 

Cray. Now, for the Lord's sake get me a drop of 
whiskey to wash the parson out of my mouth. 

Dob. (c.) Whiskey it is! Take potash with it? 

Cray. A little potash, {crosses e.) 

Dor. Right-0! Have a look at " Sporting Life " ? 

Cray. What d'ye fancy for the Leger? 

Dob. Centipede! It's a dead snip. You should 
have a bit on it. 

Ceay. No, thank ye. Don't like the name — it's too 
spidery. (Dorvaston goes up to kitchen window un- 
seen by Cbayxl. Crayxl crosses behind chair, gets 
" Sporting Life,"comes round i>. of table, puts hat on 
ground, stick behind him, and starts to read paper) 

Dor. Cook! Cook! {at window Cook appears) 

Car. Yes? 

Dob. Fact is, friend of mine has just turned up, and 
he's unusual thirsty. Would you bring him out a 
whiskey and potash? 

Cab. Certainly. 

Dor. Very kind of you — extr'ordinary kind. 

Cab. Not at all. {she disappears from window. 
Dorvaston goes back to Crayll) 

Dor. Look here, I'll run up and put another coat on, 
and then we'll start. 

Cray. How about the whiskey? 

Dor. It'll be here directly, {exits through French 
loindow ) 

Cray. Thank ye. {he resumes the newspaper; 
Cook comes to table r. with small tray containing whis- 
key, etc.; she brings it down to small table, and speaks 
before putting the tray down) 

Car. Whiskey and potash! 

Cray. All right! {he puts down cigar on tray and 
turns slowly, the paper falls. They face each other in 
mutual astonishment) 

Cray. Goodness a'mighty! {slight pause) Is that 
you? {she is silent) Is that you? {speaking louder) 

Car. Yes — what then? 

Cray. Phew! {wipes his forehead) When I saw 
you standin' there, dressed like that, I thought I'd got 
'em again. Damned if I didn't. 

Car. Why? 

Cray. Why, who'd expect to see Lady Huntworth 
masqueradin' as a cook. 

Cab. I'm not Lady Huntworth any longer. Surely 



LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 31 

Lord Huntworth is the last person who should need the 
reminder. 

Cray. I'm not Lord Huntworth down here. My 
name's Crayll for the present. 

Car. Really? 

Cray. I'm keepin' out of the way — for — reasons. 

Car. The local police don't strike me as being very 
shrewd. 

Cray. Police! What d'you mean? It's duns I'm 
hidin' from. 

Car. Duns! 

Cray. It's debt — it ain't crime. 

Car. Ah! not yet. Well, good-day, Mr. Crayll. I 
must go back to my cooking, {crosses up) 

Cray. Here, hold on. Damn it, don't be in such a 
hurry, (crosses down c.) I want to talk to you. 

Car. I have to baste the fowls. 

Cray. Curse the beastly fowls. I must see you alone 
for half-an-hour, d'you hear? 

Car. I hear. 

Cray. It's infernal important. Will you meet me 
to-night? 

Car. No. 

Cray. Why not? What are you afraid of? 

Car. I'm not afraid of you. I think you know that. 

Cray. That long fool will be back in a minute. 
You'll see me somehow to-night, because — you've 
damned well got to — d'you iinderstand? 

Car. I haven't the smallest notion why you want to 
see me, but since fate has played me a final dirty trick 
by throwing us together again, perhaps we had better 
understand each other. So you can come here this 
evening for half-an-hour. I shall be alone. You had 
better tap at the window. 

Cray. That'll do — I'll come. 

Car. What time shall I have the honor? 

Cray. I'll get here about nine. 

Car. (smiling) Nine! You must make it earlier 
than that. I expect I shall be rather busy about nine. 

Cray. Eight-thirty then. 

Car. Yes, that would suit me. (crosses to porch and 
then stops) 

Cray, (turns and sees she is in hesitation) Is there 
anything else? 

Car. (crosses down c. to him) As you seem to 
want to talk about something important you might 
break through a rule for once — and turn up in a pos- 
sible condition. 



32 LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 

Cray. Not come drunk — is that what you mean? 

Cab. No, I don't want to be unreasonable. At that 
time in the evening you are certain to be drunk, — but 
try not to be too drunk to be coherent. I'll expect you 
at eight-thirty, {she goes up stage, stands at kitchen 
window; after she has gone Crayll picks up cigar from 
tray and draws at it, finding it out he throios it doivn 
violently and swears. He then pours out whiskey and 
drinks. Dorvaston comes out dressed for walking) 

Dob. Ready, old chap? (Crayll half chokes) 

Cray. In half-a-minute. {drinks more whiskey) 

Doe. {speaking across to Cook) Ah! Cook! friend 
and I are going for a stroll. 

Car. It's a pleasant day for walking. 

Dor. How is our mayonnaise coming on? (Cbayll 
looks up on hearing this) 

Car. Very well, I think. 

Dor. That's all right! {to Crayll, who has been 
listening vacantly) Shall we get along? 

Cray. Yes. (Dorvaston goes out at the gate; Crayll 
puts hat on, takes stick, rises, crosses l. c, and looks 
back. As he does so. Cook turns and looks at him) 
Goodness A'mighty. {he then goes out at gate) 

{After he has gone Cook comes doion to the rustic table 
and takes up " Standard.") 

Car. {reads) "Will Lady Huntworth communicate 
with Brampton and Stokes, (I!apel-Court, on a matter of 
considerable importance?" {she stands in thought for 
a moment, then turns and goes up, reading the paper 
as she goes) 

Curtain. 



ACT 11. 

Scene. — The Vicarage kitchen, according to plan. 

Time. — Evening. 

{As curtain rises Cook takes salmon to larder r. u. e. 
and returns to table down l. with fr^lit salad; Gandy 
enters with butler's troy; crosses to r. of table; 
Keziah enters and takes ham to larder and returns 
to dresser.) 



LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 33 

Gan. Sweets, Cook! 

Cab. Quite ready! {clearing tray of chicken dish 
and plates) They seem to have taken very kindly to 
the stuffed fowls. 

Gan. Oh, horful! There's 'arclly a gizzard left for 
hus to make a supper of. Dorvaston's the worst. 

Kez. {at dresser) Oh, and master too. {takes 
plates) I thought he'd 'ave bust 'imself — I did reelly. 
{crosses to top of Gandy, places plates on Sutler's tray) 

Gan. They told me to look sharp. It's wonderful 
they don't want a rest. (Caroline 7? oifis up dish of 
fruit salad; Gandy takes dish in both hands admiringly; 
then lets Cook put it on tray) So that's it, Cook? It 
looks lovely. 

Car. Glad you like it. 

Gan. {takes up tray) It 'aint no good me likin' it, 
I shan't get none — they'll see to that. {moves to r., 
Keziah moves to follow him) Keziah, don't you come. 
You'll never wait at table — your mind can't rise above 
'anding bread when nobody wants it. {she returns to 
top of table; he carries tray to door b., then pauses) 
It do look lovely. Let's pray to 'eaven they don't eat 
it all. {he goes out; Cook crosses to larder with chicken 
and back round top down to l. ) 

Kez. {at top of table clearing) Gandy's a bit narked 
to-night. {rubs knives with a piece of rag) When 
there's a bit of anythink extra for supper, 'e does grodge 
it to 'em, don't 'e? Now with me it's, as you may say, 
different. If any trifle takes me fancy — such as a breast 
of chicken — or what not — while it's bein' carved I sim- 
ply turn me 'ead away. 

Car. (l. of table arranging plates) Take these plates 
into the scullery. 

Kez. Yus, Cook. Not as it always answers. (Cook 
crosses to larder with salad dish) I wes 'anding that 
sauce stuff — I forgot what you call it. Cook 

Car. Mayonnaise, {at larder; crosses back to l. of 
table and begins to put radishes in bowl into glass dish) 

Kez. Yus, Cook, that was it — in a butter boat. Well, 
I was 'anding it to old Madam as the Captain cut him- 
self off — oh, such a slice of 'am — I dote on 'am, I do, 
reelly. Well, I had to shet me eyes, and just then 
Gandy hustled me with 'is elbow, and me wrist turned, 
as you may say, sudden like, and I upset the myanneasy 
on to milady's gown. She did talk to me a treat, {takes 
fish plates to scullery; Gandy enters hastily, stands c.) 

Gan. Now then, Keziah, one claret glass short. 
That's your silly fault, (Keziah crosses to dresser, gets 

3 



34 LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 

glass and hands it to Gandy b.; then returns to dresser 
for plates) 

Car. Do they seem to fancy the fruit salad? 

Gan. Fancy it! Dorvaston and the governor are 
both in their second 'elpings. It's 'ideous to see 'em — 
'ideaous! 

Kez. {at dresser) I shall be awful late with me 
washin' up. (crosses to window with plates) I shall 
miss a good 'alf of it. 

Car. (crosses to larder for cheese) I'll wash the 
glass and silver for you. 

Kez. (crosses to top of table and takes chicken plates 
to scullery, leaving four forks on table) That's won- 
derful good of you, Cook; it is reelly. D'you know I'm 
in two minds which 'at to wear. 

Car. Are you? (crosses from larder to table b. with 
cheese, places it at top of table) 

Kez. (fingering top of chair L.) The straw's tasty; 
but the large 'at with the flowers is more dressy like. 

Car. I wouldn't wear the large one with the flowers. 
(returning to larder for butter) 

Kez. Wouldn't you now? 

Cab. (stops on her way to larder c.) It might have 
been made in the Old Kent Road. 

Kez. Might it, now? Is that in London? (sits l.) 

Car. Yes. (crosses to E. of table with butter, and 
stands at the head) 

Kez. At the shop where I bought it, they told me as 
it was copied from a London pattern, so I dessay you're 
right. Cook. Well, I could wear the straw, but — (Gandy 
enters toith tray — Keziah rises, crosses to windoiv ledge 
for cheese plates) 

Gan. (speaking sadly) Now then, cheese — cheese. 
(Cook is at top of table clearing butler's tray) 

Car. I see they've finished the fruit salad. 

Gan. Finished it! Of course they've finished it. 
It's 'eartbreakin'. Put the dish away, and let me try 
to forget it. 

Kez. (comes down to table l.) 'As the Governor 
still bin goin' it? (putting cheese plates on butler's 
tray; Cook places cheese and butter on butler's tray) 

Gan. I should think 'e 'ad. Ah! and it will pay 'im 
out. This night's work'll lie 'eavy on 'im. I know 'is 
constitooshon. Ready, Cook! A bit of that cheddar all 
round ought to just settle 'em. (Cook takes fruit dish 
to larder, Keziah crosses to top of table, and puts rad- 
ishes on butler's tray. Gandy hurries out.) 

Kez. As I was sayin'. Cook, (calls) as I was sayin' 



LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 35 

I could wear the straw, only I'm wishful to look me 
best, cos the young gentleman as I'm walkin' out with 
at present'll be there. 

Car. Oh! (crosses to b. of table, takes cloth out of 
drawer, and back to c.) 

Kez. "We shan't be able to sit together, cos of old 
Madam — " I don't allow no followers," she said when I 
come after the place — " I don't allow no followers " — 
You know 'er sniffy way? (Keziah takes plates to scul- 
lery, leaving spoons on table) 

Car. (puts cloth on table, crosses to mantel and gets 
matches off bracket) What does your young gentleman 
do when he isn't following? 

Kez. Didn't I tell you? (comes back to table) 'E's 
at Bilkins, (sits on table R.) the pork butchers. You 
remember that pound of sausages that came from me 
aunt at Cambridge? (Cook nods) That was 'im — 'e 
began with sausages — (Cook lights gas over stove l.) 
next comes along a photograph frame, last week pig's 
feet and a shell pin-cushion. 'E's free 'anded, as you 
may say. 

Cab. He must be. (crosses to b.) 

Kez. Won't you be feelin' lonesome (Cook lights gas 
E. and leaves match-box on dresser) this evenin'? All 
of us out — and Gandy goin' to see 'is mother. She lives 
two stations down the line and used to take in washin'. 

Cab. No, I don't fancy I shall feel lonesome. 

Kez. I'll (jumps off table, comes round and sits on 
chair e. and gets book out of drawer) lend you my 
girl's " Special Monthly Journal." There's a most inter- 
estin' tale in this number. It's in 'ere. There's an 'url 
and 'e goes ridin' through a wood and 'e's all dressed 
up in armour, you know — just like the dish covers. 
(Cook crosses to window, gets knife basket and comes 
doion to top of table) I say. Cook, when you lived in 
London did you ever see any 'urls? 

Car. One or two. 

Kez. And do they dress themselves up like that? 

Car. Not as a rule, (cleaning spoons and putting 
them in basket) 

ICez. My word, I wish I'd bin born a toff! They 
must find life come easy. 

Car. (at top of table) Not always. Trouble is like 
a postman — sooner or later he knocks at every door. 

Kez. Why, they can eat and drink just what tb.ey 
like. 

Car. No. After a time their doctors have a word 
to say. 



36 LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 

Kez. And they can wear just what suits 'em. 

Cab. They wear whatever their dressmakers and tail- 
ors tell them to wear — whether it suits them or not. It 
generally doesn't. 

Kez. Any'ow they don't 'ave to pay for their break- 
ages. 

Car. In the long run they pay just as heavily 
for their breakages as you do for yours. {crosses 
and replaces basket on window ledge and comes 
down L.) 

Kez. My word! Think of that now! (Gandt enters 
and puts down tray on table; Keziah jumps up and 
crosses to head of table) 

Gan. That's over, (sits) I'm fair sick of it. The 
governor is rushin' on to 'is fate. (Cook takes off the 
bread, cheese and glasses and puts them on lower end 
of table; Keziah takes up cheese plates, knives, butter 
and radish dish, leaving the syphon, decanter of whis- 
key and one glass till the last) Took radishes with 
'is cheese. (Keziah looks horrified) Keziah, I have 
brought out the Captain's whiskey and syphon — I shan't 
be 'ere to-night, so you must take 'em up to 'is room 
the last thing, d'ye 'ear? 

Kez. I 'ear. {she takes whiskey, soda, and glass to 
window ledge) 

Gan. I've done most of the clearin' away. (Cook 
takes cheese to larder) 

Cab. {to Keziah) Bring me the bowl, Keziah, and 
then you can put your things on. (Keziah crosses to 
table, takes butler's tray and places it against xoall 
above meat jack,, then goes to scullery for bowl. To 
Gandy, coming out of larder and crossing l.) Will you 
have your supper now? (Keziah brings hot water to 
top of table; then takes glass radish dish and butter 
dish into larder) 

Gan. No, thank'ee. They've put me off it. I shall 
try to pick a bit by and bye when I get to mother's. 

Cak. {to Gandy) Is your mother a good cook? (l. 
of table) 

Gan. No, she ain't; far from it! 'Er jints are flabby, 
. md 'er pie crust is h'ashfelt. 

Kez. {coming out of larder) Is there anything 
more. Cook, as I can do? 

• 5ab. No, thanks. (Cook takes plates into scullery) 

i'Ez. Good night, Gandy. {crosses to door b.) 

G \.N. Not so much Gandy! Mr. Gandy would do you 
moi^ credit, and might lead to a cap ribbon at Christ- 
mas (Cook comes out of scullery, takes large radish 



LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. S7 

iowl and re-enters scullery) It's 'ard on a respectable 
man to mix with such riff-raff. 

Kez. Riff-raff your own self. Why, for two pins — 
I'd 

Cab. Keziah! {at scullery door, crosses l. again) 

Kez. (meekly) Yus, Cook! (c.) 

Cab. Go and dress. 

Kez. Yus, Cook; I'm sorry as I spoke hasty before 
you. 

Car. Very well, go along; you'll be late. 

Kez. Yus, Cook, (she goes quietly to door r., then 
turns and speaks very respectfully) Good-night, Mr. 
Gandy. (she then goes out) 

Gan. (Cook takes bread to larder top way and re- 
turns round top l.) That's the worst of domestic ser- 
vice — one 'as to put up with the cheek of h'underlings. 
It a'int a fit life for such as h'us — we're a good many 
cuts above it. (he rises) Well, Cook, I shall 'ave to 
change my coat, so if you will excuse me 

Car. Certainly! (washing glasses) 

Gan. But before I go to-night, I should life 'alf a 
word with you about a little matter which 'as bin 
floatin' on the top of my mind for this month past. 

Car. Won't it keep? 

Gan. No, it won't — not if you was to put it in the 
refrigerator. 

Car. People change their minds sometimes. 

Gan. I shan't change my mind. 

Cab. Well, change your coat, or you'll miss your 
train, (he moves toioards the door, as he does so Lucy 
enters dressed for the evening, but with cloak on) 

Lucy. Cook! I've come for my orchid, (crosses to 
c.) 

Cab. I'll fetch it. (crosses to window; Lucy crosses 
to chair r. of table) 

Lucy. Gandy, I thought you were going to see your 
mother to-night. 

Gan. So I h'am, miss — I am just h'off. (goes out 

B.) 

Car. Here it is. (crosses down r. of Lucy) 
Lucy. Thanks! 
Car. Shall I pin it in? 

Lucy. Thanks! (Cook arranges the flower) 
Car. What time to-morrow do you take the plunge? 
Lucy. Oh, quite early in the morning, before any- 
body is up. Mr. Thorsby will fetch me. 
Car. I see. 
Lucy. Why did you want to know? 



38 LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 

Cae. So that I should think of you and wish you 
luck. 

Lucy. I don't see what reason you have to wish me 
luck. 

Cak. You're a nice child — and I was always fond of 
children. 

(DoEVASTON comes in — he is in evening dress with light 
overcoat and carries a small music-case — he doesn't 
see Lucy at first.) 

■Dor. I say. Cook, I — ah! (Cook hacks and he sees 
Lucy) I — hulloa, Lucy! 

Lucy. Well, Jack, what do you want? (Cook retires 
round top of table down l. and resumes her glass-wash- 
ing) 

Dor. I — ah — I — wanted — to — er — {seeing orchid) 
Of course, I came to fetch your orchid. 

Lucy. You needn't have troubled, (looks at Cook) 
I fetched it myself. 

Dob. Didn't know, don't you know! 

Lucy. Have you got my music? 

Dor. Got it here, {showing music-case) 

Lucy. That's right. Is Auntie ready? 

Dor. Fancy she's waiting in the hall, {crosses to r.) 

Lucy. Oh! then I must go. {crosses to r.) Good- 
night, Cook. Thanks for taking care of the flower. 

Car. Not at all! Good-night! 

Lucy, {turning at door) Are you coming, Jack? 

Doe. In a second. Thought perhaps Cook would 
give me a light, {takes out cigar case) 

Lucy. Very well, we'll go on. You can catch us up. 
You needn't hurry, {she goes out door r.) 

Dor. {holding cigar) May I? 

Cab. There's a box of matches on the dresser. (DoE- 
VASTON crosses to dresser for matches, lights his cigar. 
She washes glass and silver) 

Dor. {crosses to top of table) This is a devilish 
snug kitchen. D'you know, I'd much rather stop here 
— and watch you doing — whatever you are doing — what 
are you doing? 

Cab. Washing up. {washing glasses) 

Dor. Are you, by George? Washing up, now. How 
is that generally done? {at top of table) 

Cab. With water and a tea-cloth. 

Dor. It must be an awful fag. When it comes to 
work, seems to me you women beat us hollow. 



LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 39 

Car. You have your drill — and parade — and fighting, 
too, in these days. 

Dor. Fighting ain't work — it's fun. 

Car. Each to his trade! I prefer cooking and wash- 
ing up. {they both laugh) Oughtn't you to go? 

Dor. Yes, I'll get along. I say, you haven't forgot- 
ten — nine-thirty? 

Car. No, but I was hoping you had. 

Dor. Upon my soul, what I want to say won't take 
ten minutes. Hulloa! cigar's out. I'll just light up 
again, you don't mind? (he goes to dresser for matches. 
PiLLENGER looks in at window) 

PiL. Cook! 

Car. Yes! 

PiL. I just wished to say one word, (he comes in 
at the back door) I wish (closes door, takes off hat, 
and sees Dorvaston, who has turned at the moment) 
Tut! — dear me! 

Dor. Hulloa, sir! 

PiL. I imagined you had accompanied my sister and 
Lucy. They have started. 

Dor. Came in here to fetch the orchid! 

PiL. What orchid? 

Dor. The orchid — and I hadn't a match — and Lucy 
had got it already, don't you see — so Cook gave me 
one — and — that's how it was, don't you know. 

PiL. Cook gave you an orchid? 

Dor. No, a light. 

PiL. Then why allude to an orchid? However, it is 
quite immaterial. 

Car. You said you wished to speak to me, Mr. Pil- 
lenger! 

PiL. (coming a little to her) I desired to express 
my approval — my warm approval — of the excellent meal 
you gave us this evening; but I fear I have not sufficient 
time to do justice to the theme. 

Dor. (r.) By George, sir, you did justice to the 
fruit salad? 

PiL. Very possibly, Captain Dorvaston, but I may re- 
mind you that your own appreciation assumed a very 
practical form. 

Car. Won't you both be rather late? (they both look 
at each other and then go up to the door) 

PiL. (turning at garden door) I fear we shall. I 
may have to return early — I am conscious of the ap- 
proach of a headache. 

Dor. Deuced odd thing! I feel a bit off colour-^ 
doubt if I shall manage to see it through. 



40 LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 

PiL. Tut, tut! you look singularly well! Merely 
fancy, I'm sure, {opens door) Good-night, Cook! 

Cab. Good-night! (Pillenger goes out at back door) 

Dor. (following) Good-night, Cook! 

Cab. Good-night! 

Dob. (turning at door and speaking in whisper) 
Nine-thirty! (Cook nods — he goes out. After a second 
Mr. Pillenger puts his head in at the window) 

PiL. Cook! you remember our appointment? Nine 
o'clock. 

Dor. (in the distance) Are you coming, sir? 

PiL. (to Dorvaston) Yes — in one moment! (to 
Cook) Nine! you quite understand? 

Cab. (calmly) Quite! 

PiL. Thank you. I thought I would just recall it to 
your memory. I'm coming, Captain Dorvaston! (he 
goes; Cook continues her work; Gandy enters b., is 
crossing to door, stops, comes to top of table r. ; he has 
changed his dress and carries a small hand-bag: he 
puts this down and his hat, and hastily consults silver 
watch) 

Gan. Cook, I'm a leetle pressed for time — but I find 
I've just got three minutes and a 'alf to waste. 

Car. Well, what is it? (washing glasses l.) 

Gan. I'll come straight to the pint. I've saved money 
— I'm sick of service, and I want to settle down. I 
know of a eatin' 'ouse to be 'ad — good situation — terms 
moderate — part cash down — remainder in monthly in- 
stalments. Will you marry me and take over the kitchen 
department? 

Car. No. 

Gan. (Cook crosses to oven and kneels and opens it) 
Don't be *asty now. We should crush all local compe- 
tition. Think it over careful. (looks at his watch 
again) I can give you a minute and a 'alf. I'm a staid 
respectable man, and I want a staid respectable wife. 

Car. (kneeling at oven l., looks over her shoulder) 
And do I strike you In that light? 

Gan. You do. 

Car. That is a very unexpected compliment, (rises, 
places cake on table l.) 

Gan. (comes down to chair r. ) Yes, Cook; since I 
met you I've come to see there's things in life as I 
didn't suspect. (Cook stops work) You've showed me 
the superiority of braized beef over biled beef — you've 
rewealed the difference between 'aricot and 'ash — be- 
fore you came apple fritters was to me a mere flash 
in the frying pan. (suddenly stopping and looking at 



LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 4I 

his watch) Now I wouldn't 'urry you, but time's on 
the move. 'Ow's it to be? 

Car. It's to be no! 

Gan. Oh! 

Car. I wish the eating-house every success, but I 
don't intend to marry. 

Gan. But couldn't you ? 

Car. No, I couldn't. Don't miss your train. 

Gan. Well, (takes up hag and hat) it's a disappoint- 
ment, but if you say it's to be like that 

Car. It's to be like that, (she resumes her work.) 
Good-night. 

Gan. (goes slowly up stage, pauses, turns — is about 
to speak, thinks better of it) Good-night, (he goes out 
at back door. Cook takes cake to larder, and then 
crosses back to ivindow, brings glass tray down to top 
of table and puts glasses on it. Keziah rushes in after 
a slight pause, hastily dressed for walking, with large 
hat trimmed lavishly loith flowers) 

Kez. Ready at last, Cook! I'm always a cow's tail, 
ain't I? Thought I should never get into this dress. 
Miss Fletcher sent it 'ome so tight, I can't 'ardly bear 
myself, and no '00k and eye at the neck, if you please. 
(crosses to Cook) Lend us a pin, there's a dear! (Cook 
gives her one, and stands watching her) Thanks! 
(crosses to looking-glass on wall, e. u. e., ayid fastens 
her collar with pin.) I'll talk to me lady when I pay 
'er. (turning sees Cook looking at her) You're look- 
ing at the 'at? Yus, I 'ad to wear the big one, the straw 
didn't go with this dress, (comes c.) It made me look 
almost common like. Well, I must step it. (goes up) 

Cab. You've forgotten your gloves. 

Kez. Got 'em in my pocket — can't put 'em on yet — 
me hands is too 'ot. Am I all right at the back? This 
skirt seems to kick up. (turns her back to Cook, a^id 
kicks her foot up at the same time at back, looking 
over shoulder) 

Car. Not more than it does in front. 

Kez. That's a blessing, (opens door) 'Arry war! 
(she goes, leaving back door open. Cook takes glass 
tray to windoiv, crosses and shuts door r. ; crosses and 
takes boicl to scullery, pours out loater and wipes her 
hands, gets plate basket (chimes strike three-quarters) 
comes down l., puts spoons in basket, crosses to e. and 
exit. There is a slight pause, then Crayll looks in at 
window, he taps twice, then whistles softly — there is 
another slight pause, then Cook comes back and crosses 
c.) 



42 LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 

Cray, (at window) Oh! there you are! Anybody 
about? 

Car. No. Come in, the door is open, (crosses to l., 
he enters) 

Cray. Well, I've got here, (he stands leaning against 
the door) 

Car. So I see. 

Cray. There's a beast of a dog somewhere on the 
premises, ain't there? 

Car. Yes, but he's chained up, and he's rather par- 
ticular about his food; you needn't be nervous. (Ckayll 
slams door and crosses c.) 

Cray, (looking round kitchen) And these are your 
quarters, are they? You've brought your pigs to a nice 
market, (she is silent) Well? 

Car. Well? 

Cray. Why don't you speak? 

Cab. I was waiting for you to begin. 

Cray. Don't you feel the damned degradation of your 
position? 

Car. No. You seem to forget I was your wife for 
nearly ten years. 

Cray. Ah! Have you any whiskey? 

Cab. No! 

Cray, (seeing decanter on slab in window) Why, 
what's this? 

Car. That belongs to Captain Dorvaston. 

Cray. That's all right. (crosses to windoio) He 
knows me. He won't mind. (Cook sits l. Cray stands 
at window with whiskey, syphon, and glass in hand) A 
cook! That's what beats me. Why a cook? 

Cab. It was an experiment. 

Cray. If you were broke (comes to top of table and 
pours out whiskey) why didn't you try the stage? The 
divorce would have given you a leg up. 

Cab. How did you find me out? 

Cray. Accident! (takes a drink and crosses c.) I 
came down here because I thought your pal the Duchess 
might give me the straight tip as to your whereabouts. 
My spottin' you was a bit of luck. 

Car. You must be very hard up? 

Cray. Oh! it's bin a rotten season! Nothin's paid 
me. Had some big stable information for Doncaster 
week — that didn't pay me, couldn't even win place 
money. Tried the Stock Exchange; damned if that paid 
me — jumped in at the top of the market, crawled out 
at the bottom, (crosses to chair) Then there was the 
trial 



LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 43 

Car. Ah! I suppose the law expenses were heavy? 

Cray. Oh, devilish! 

Car. Bribing the servants must have been rather a 
serious item! 

Cray, What d'ye mean? 

Car. That was a most elaborate story my maid 
Thompson told the jury — Thompson was not very intel- 
ligent. It must have involved a great deal of careful 
rehearsal. 

Cray. We needn't go into all that, (puts glass on 
table) 

Car. You are astonished to find me here. What did 
you think I should do? 

Cray. Thought you were with Carruthers. 

Car. No, you didn't, {he looks at her, tries to brave 
it out, but his eyes fall) You had been dangling your 
title before the eyes of a certain rich widow, but I see 
by the papers (he pours out whiskey) she has slipped 
through those shaking fingers of yours and is going to 
marry another man. 

Cray, (taking up glass nervously and drinking) 
Yes; women are daifined shifty. 

Car. Your notion didn't come off, but that was why 
you trumped up your case against me, knowing it was 
all a lie. 

Cray. You didn't deny it? 

Car. No. 

Cray. Neither did he? 

Car. No. Bob is a good fellow — and a good friend. 
He helped me. 

Cray. Helped you to cheat the law! 

Car. Helped me to cheat the law that ties a woman 
to such a man as you. 

Cray. That was the game, was it? 

Car. Why did you want to find me out? By the way, 
(crosses to tvindow and brings doivn " Standard " to 
top of table), has that anything to do with it? 

Cray. How do you mean? 

Car. (watching him closely) To-day's " Standard." 
There's a little advertisement in the agony column. 

Cray. I — can't see — light's bad. Read it out! 

Car. (crosses to gas l., takes paper and reads) 
" Will Lady Huntworth communicate with Messrs. 
Brampton and Stokes, Capel-Court, on a matter of con- 
siderable importance?" (crosses to l. of table and 
throws paper down) Did you know of that? 

Cray. No. Who are Brampton and Stokes? Never 
heard of 'em. 



44 LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 

Car. (leaning over table with one hand on it for sup- 
port) Then why have you been hunting me up? I 
hadn't a shilling — you saw to that. 

Cray, (after slight pause, makes to touch her hand) 
I wanted you to — come — back. 

Car. What? 

Cray. I'm willin' — to bury the past. (Cook looks at 
him) Well, I tell you, I want to bury the past. 

Car. (pause, she puts nand on chair) Before we 
talk of burying the past, I should like you to look down 
into the still open grave 

Cray, (shudders) Filthy way of talkin'! 

Car. (sits l.) When I married you I was thirty — 
quite old enough to know better! but I'd spent my youth 
in nursing my father. When he died I inherited a 
fortune — and my freedom — without much notion what 
to do with either. That was a bad year for me. I lost 
my father and I found you. (Crayll scowls at her) 
I don't know what crime I had committed that fate 
should sentence me to ten years' penal servitude. But 
my father had wished it and so did your mother. You 
had been a little wild, they said, biU all you needed was 
gentle guidance. I believed them, but my gentle guid- 
ance that was to work miracles generally took the 
shape of helping you up to bed in the small hours, when 
the difficulty of adjusting the latchkey had been over- 
come. 

Cray. Look here, it 'pears to me you're trying to be 
'fensive. 

Car. That was my life for ten years. The dregs of 
your fortune and the whole of mine gradually melted 
away — in cards — (he pours out drink) racing, drink — 
and a few extra establishments. 

Cray. You never grumbled about th' extra 'stablish- 
ments. 

Car. (rises in disgust) Oh, no! I only mention 
them now — to fill up the picture of our home life. With 
regard to your gambling and drunkenness I was sorry 
for myself, but in the matter of your infidelities I was 
sorry for the other women. 

Cray. Your language's 'fensive — damned 'fensive! 

Car. At the finish we had a pleasant little chat; you 
hadn't a sixpence left — or a friend either — except Bob 
Carruthers. He had lent you more than he could afford 
and he was sick of it. You tried to get me to ask him 
again. I wouldn't. It was on that occasion you reached 
up and tried to strike me. (touches him on shoulder) 
Do you remember? 



LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 45 

Ceay. Momentary irritation — regretted it d'rectly! 

Car. (returns paper to windoio) We parted that 
night. The place was sold up, and I didn't hear of you 
again till you commenced proceedings for our divorce. 
(he moves chair and faces her) Then I went to Bob. 
He offered to see me through — engage counsel and all 
that. It would have been easy to smash your case, 
(crosses and stands over Mm) but that would have left 
me tied to you; so I asked him if he would join me in 
making no defence. He pointed out what society would 
think of me. I said I knew enough of society to care 
nothing for its bad opinion. He did as I wished, so 
you got your decree nisi and the sympathy of the pub- 
lic, (crosses to top of tahle again) 

Cray. All this is beastly 'fensive. (leans limply over 
back of chair) 

Cab. My only problem was how to live. I couldn't 
teach or make dresses or typewrite. There was only 
one thing I could do properly — I could cook. It was 
always a fad of mine. I used often to prepare little 
dishes for my father — in the old days — and while I was 
trying to see my way, I met Millicent Sturton. I told 
her everything, and asked her to help me. She had 
influence with these good people — so I resumed my own 
name and became the vicar's cook, (pause; Cook has 
gradually crossed l. again. Crayll moves chair back 
to table and drinks) Now you understand everything! 
I'll say good-bye. I'm likely to be rather busy this even- 
ing. 

Cray. Don't say goo'bye. I wan' you to come back. 
My 'ntentions are disin'ersted. "Won't you come 
back? 

Car. (stands with hands behind her back) Not 
while there's a crossing to be swept — or a box of 
matches to be sold. 

Cray, (rising unsteadily — leaning over table) 
S'pose I was to — give th' show away — d'you think they'd 
keep a woman like you — a woman who was n'torious? 

Car. No! 

Cray. Very well, then I can squash you. Word from 
me'd sweep you into the gutter— an' if you don' come 
back — I'll do it. I'll show you what comes of r'fusin' 
disin'ested offer, (she laughs and shrugs her shoulders) 
Don' laugh at me, you fool! I'll do it! I'll drag you 
off your damned high horse, I'll — I'll — (raises his arm 
to strike her) 

Car. No, you won't! (pauses; his arm slowly falls 
and he sways about limply) you're too anxious to keep 



46 LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 

your own identity secret just now to say anything 
about mine. Isn't tliat so — Mr. Crayll? 

Cray, {stvaying about) Tha's true, tha's true! Le's 
be frien's — sliall we? Don' le's be touchy. If you'll 
come back, I'll do the right thing — marry you again — 
marry you anywhere you like — St. Paul's Cathedral, if 
you like. Come back and be a comfort to ailin' man. 
(sinks into chair) Le's have 'nother honeymoon. Shall 
we? Le's kiss an' be friends; but first le's have a little 
more whiskey, (taking lohiskey) Shall we? 

Cab. (removing the tumbler, etc.) No, we won't 
have any more whiskey — in fact, I think we had better 
go now. (she takes whiskey syphon and glass to win- 
dow, and looks out) 

Cray, (loho is now viaudlin) Not friendly! No 
r'sumption of former 'fectionate footin', same time — 
no desire to remain — where not wanted, (puts cap on) 
Where's cigar case? Want cigar — smoke going home. 
(he very sleepily takes out letter case from his outside 
pocket) Oh, here 'tish! (as he holds it, he begins to 
doze, his arm falls its full length, and a letter falls out 
of case — his head falls right back, and he breathes heav- 
ily. He falls gradually into a deep sleep. She watches 
him quietly, then comes round to the right of him) 

Car. (pause) Wake up! (shakes him) You mustn't 
sleep here. 

Cray, (muttering) Want cigar! 

Cab. Want a cigar? But this is your letter case. 
(she takes it from him, and puts it into his outside 
pocket R. She then sees the fallen letter) And you've 
dropped something. (she picks it up — he snores) 
Looks like a writ, (she glances at it) Messrs. Bramp- 
ton and Stokes (she pauses and looks at him) Ah! 
my first idea was right (crosses to gas with letter round 
to fireplace and reads it under the gas) " Messrs. 
Brampton and Stokes present their compliments to 
Lord Huntworth, and would be greatly obliged if he 
could place them in communication with the lady who 
was till very recently his wife. The reason for the 
application is urgent, as information has been received 
from an Australian firm of solicitors that Lady Hunt- 
worth has succeeded to a considerable fortune through 
the death of an uncle, (she again turns and looks at 
him) Messrs. Brampton and Stokes would greatly ap- 
preciate an early reply. Capel Court. May 9th." More 
than two months ago! Ah! (slight paiise, crosses to 
top of table, and leans over it) Lord Huntworth, you 
will do me the favour to wake up. (he snores) I 



LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 47 

thought I had said everything I had to say, but I find I 
was wrong, (she stops and listens, then inits letter 
hurriedly inside her dress) What's that? Did I hear 
the gate go? {crosses to window, then crosses to Crayll 
and shakes Mm and pulls him up) Wake up — you 
mustn't be found here, (she pulls him up) 

Cray. Wha's matter? 

Car. I must put you somewhere; you wouldn't be 
easy to explain away, {she half -supports, half -carries 
him up and into scullery; when there she allows him 
to droop into a sitting potition against the sink; she 
then shuts the scullery door) Quite like old times! 
{looks out of window — brings work-box doion, goes up 
to door and listens. Mr. Pillengeb enters) 

PiL. Hum! Cook! {at door) 

Cab. Yes? 

PiL. May I come in? 

Car. Certainly! {crosses to chair R. and sits, takes 
out pudding cloth and starts to hem it) 

(Mb. Pillengeb enters at back door.) 

PiL. I — er — explained to Miss Pillenger that I 
thought it advisable to return home early — as I was 
feeling somewhat indisposed. 

Car. {looks up at him) Then you would like to go 
to bed? I'll let Miss Pillenger in. {looks at door l.) 

PiL. That is not necessary, I gave her my latch-key. 
I fear I must admit my illness has no — er — tangible ex- 
istence. 

Cab. Oh! 

PiL. I trust I am not interrupting any — er — domes- 
tic occupation? 

Car. I have to hem some pudding cloths, but I can 
listen while I work. What do you want to say to me? 
{she begins sewing; Pillenger crosses to top of table, 
puts hat doicn; as he crosses Cook looks at door l.) 

PiL. I — er — find some difliculty in approaching the 
subject. It is one with which I have been hitherto — 
quite unfamiliar. 

Car. Perhaps if you sat down it might be easier. 

PiL. Er — thank you. {crosses to fire and stands with 
back to it) The suggestion is very considerate, {he 
makes several efforts to begin, but baulks himself) 
During the few months you have been with us — you 
must have noticed that you had roused — in me — a strong 
feeling — {she looks up at him) of — er — of interest? 



48 LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 

Cab. I saw it — I didn't notice it. 

PiL. Exactly! (moves to back of chair l. ) You 
would not — care — perhaps, to give me a somewhat larger 
measure of your — er — confidence — touching the — er — the 
past. 

Car. {stops work for a moment) No; I think we'll 
leave the past alone. 

PiL. I may possibly persuade you to be less reticent 
— when I have submitted my — er — my proposal to you. 

Car. Proposal? {resumes work) 

PiL. Yes. After such reasonable hesitation as should 
precede the taking of any important step, I have de- 
cided to offer you an alternative to your present life, 
the nature of which you may have already guessed. 

Car. {smiling back) I suppose you are the alterna- 
tive? 

PiL. {moves to top of table near her) Precisely. I 
ask you to be — er — to be my wife. 

Car. {smiles) Thanks! {stops work) 

PiL. I am no longer young, but my health is good, 
with the exception of a little periodic gout. My tem- 
per, if not invariably equable, is what a long succession 
of curates has made it; and as to worldly considera- 
tions, without being a rich man, my position is an inde- 
pendent one. 

Car. It ought to be. 

PiL. I beg your pardon? 

Car. You say you don't speak without consideration. 
Have you considered what your sister would say? 

PiL. {moves round to l.) It is a point to which I 
have devoted very exhaustive attention. At first she 
might not welcome the idea with — er — absolute en- 
thusiasm, {sits L.) 

Car. No, she might not. Have you also considered 
what the world would say? 

Pii,. The world? 

Car. It's rather a tolerant world where a man is 
concerned, but it holds special views about clergymen, 
and it wouldn't stand the notion of a vicar marrying his 
cook. 

PiL. The social disparity between us is far more 
apparent than real. Your present vocation must be the 
outcome of caprice — or temporary necessity. 

Car. Take it at that, {puts work in box) What do 
you know of me? I may be an adventuress — in fact, 
most of the evidence points that way. At any rate I 
have no intention of marrying, {siniles) I have said 
the same thing once before this evening in reply to a 



LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 49 

similar proposition from Gandy. {rises and crosses 
back of her chair and leans on chair) 

PiL. Gandy? Did tie dare? 

Cak. He did. {smiling) This seems to be ratlier a 
susceptible household, {crosses to loindow and looks 
out) 

PiL. {rising) You haven't given me a conclusive 
answer? 

Car. {hearing footsteps) Haven't I? I thought I 
had. 

PiL. {crosses to c.) You may require a little time 
for final reflection. 

Car. I think not. {looking out of window) 

PiL. Nevertheless, if you will spare me your atten- 
tion. 

Car. One moment! I thought I heard a step on the 
path, {she looks out of window) Yes, it's Captain Dor- 
vaston. 

PiL. {crosses to door and looks out. returns and takes 
hat from table) You don't say so? That is highly 
inconvenient. "What had I better do? 

Car. I think you had better go to bed. 

PiL. An opportunity like the present is so difficult 
to obtain. He will merely pass through to his room. 
I'll wait in the scullery, {makes for it) 

Car. {puts hand on door) The scullery is rather in 
confusion, {goes back to window and looks out) 

PiL. Then the larder is probably available, {goes to- 
wards it) 

Car. I really wouldn't wait if I were you. 

PiL. {speaking from entrance to larder) I do so on 
my own initiative. There are several arguments I wish 
to 

Car. {at windoio) He's coming. 

PiL. Oh! ( hastily goes in and closes larder door) 

(DoRVASTON simultaneously enters at garden door) 

Dor. Well, Cook, I've got back. May I come in? 

Car. If you like. {drops down l. Dorvaston en- 
ters and locks door after Mm) You needn't have locked 
the door. 

Dor. Don't you keep it locked? 

Car. I do generally — it doesn't matter, {sits L.) 

Dor. The governor was seedy and left early. 

Car. Yes, he came back. 

Dor. Gone to bed, I s'pose? (she is silent and has re- 
sumed her work) I tried to think of something a bit 
4 



50 LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 

more novel, but I couldn't, so I had to tell the old lady 
I wasn't feeling fit myself. 

Car. Why did you trouble? 

Dor. (crosses to top of table and puts hat down) Oh, 
well, don't you know, I wanted to say something to 
you. 

Car. Yes. {stops ivork) 

Dor. I'm a bad hand at getting my notions into 
words. P'raps if you go on doing — whatever you're doing 
— I may manage to make a start, (slie resumes work) 
That ought to look exceptional pretty when it's finished. 

Car. Do you think so? 

Dor. Yes! What— is it? 

Car. a pudding cloth. 

Dor. Jove! You don't say so? (laughs) I say, you 
mustn't think me an awful ass! 

Car. It doesn't matter what I think. 

Dor. It matters to me. 

Car. It oughtn't to matter, (pause — he takes up the 
weekly journal) 

Dor. Been doing a bit of reading? (sits on table r. 
corner) 

Car. No. That belongs to Keziah. 

Dor. This sounds promising, (reads) "The belted 
Earl entered the lists with lance in rest. His shield 
bore for device a bar sinister with Pleur de Lys ram- 
pant." That ain't heraldry! 

Car. Yes, it is, (looking up) "Family Heraldry." 
(he laughs) I don't want to hurry you, but it's getting 
late. 

Dor. (rises) Well, I — I hope you haven't misunder- 
stood my — object in — bothering you? 

Car. I should like to think I had. 

Dor. I don't follow. 

Car. Members of your profession don't generally 
make an appointment with cook in order to assure her 
of their respect. 

Dor. Some of us may be a bit rackety, but we know 
a lady when we see one, and we shouldn't treat her 
any different because she chose to pretend to be a cook. 

Car. Pretend? 

Dor. (crosses c. and gets gradually to chair r. of 
table) Why, any duffer could see— 7 can see you were 
never meant to be what you are. These things gen- 
erally come about through loss of coin — for instance, 
a woman's father speculates, and the home goes biff. 
He shuts up in his stride, and she takes up the run- 
ning. Now what that woman wants is a friend to give 



LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 51 

her the lead over the fences — a friend who don't want 
anything from her — will you keep your eye on that? — 
who don't want anything from her, but who would like 
awfully to do her a turn, if she'd let him. I think that 
goes into the four corners of what I wanted to say. 
(sits) 

Car. (rising) Do you know you're a wonderfully 
good fellow? 

Dob. Oh, rot! Well, may I be — a little use to some- 
body for once? 

Car. I won't borrow money of you, if you meant 
that. 

Dor. False pride! 

Cab. No, that isn't it. 

Dor. It's a devilish odd thing that every good woman 
is a bit of a coward, and she's always afraid of what 
people will say, especially if it isn't true. 

Car. That description fits me less than any woman in 
the world. 

Dor. You won't let me be of use to you, because I 
happen to be a man, and you happen to be a woman — 
ain't that so? (rises) I see how it is. I've made an 
ass of myself. You won't have my help or my friend- 
ship. 

Car. (rises) I don't ^need the help, but I'll take the 
friendship. 

Dor. Thanks! 

Car. (shuts loork-hox) What I thought about you 
was wrong. I beg your pardon. 

Dor. Oh, that's all right! 

Cab. (leans on box) Now, will you do me a little 
favour? 

Dor. Anything! (leans over taWe) 

Car. Will you go to bed? (he hacks with surprise) 
They mustn't come back and find you here. 

Dor. Of course not, I'll go at once; and if at any 
time you should want a pal, you'll let me 

Car. Hush! (crosses to door and opens it) I fancy 
I heard the key in the front door, (she listens) Yes, 
it is them. Miss Pillenger is saying she wants to speak 
to me. 

Dor. (takes up hat) By George! I'd better nip into 
the scullery, (crosses to scullery) 

Car. No! 

Dob. The larder? (crosses to it) 

Car. No. Go into the garden. 

Doe. Of course! Stupid of me! (he tries the door) 

Cab. Make haste. 



52 LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 

DOK. Can't get the beastly door open. Something's 
wrong with the liey. 
Cak. You'll be too late! {advances towards him) 
Dor. Here! (opens door) What's this? Ah, the 
broom cupboard, any port in a storm! (goes in; Cook 
shuts door and stands there for a moment) 

(Miss Pillengeb enters.) 

Miss P. Cook, I remembered I hadn't ordered to-mor- 
row's breakfast, {crosses and sits k. of table) 

Car. No. What would you like? (crosses to top of 
table) 

Miss P. (sitting r. of table) Has Keziah returned? 

Car. Not yet. 

Miss P. Both my brother and Captain Dorvaston were 
too unwell to remain with us. They have doubtless gone 
to bed, so I will ask you to go upstairs very quietly. 

Car. Certainly! I think I hear Keziah. (she goes 
to back-door) 

Miss P. She is very late, (pause) Why don't you 
open the door? 

Car. The key sticks a little. 

Miss P. It should be oiled. (Cook opens the door and 
admits Keziah, toho doesn't see Miss Pillenger) 

Kez. Oh, Cook, I did enjoy myself a treat! 'E was 

there — and when I come out (comes c. and sees Miss 

Pillenger) Oh lor! 

Miss P. Keziah! 

Kez. Yes, mum. 

Miss P. Why are you so late? 

Kez. I dunno, mum. 

Miss P. Who is the person you spoke of when you 
came in. 

Kez. What person, mum, 

Miss P. You said distinctly he was there. 

Kez. Oh, that was me sister's 'usband's brother, mum. 
(winks at Cook) 'E's a plumber, and Church of Eng- 
land. 

Miss P. You are aware I don't allow followers? 

Kez. 'E don't follow me, mum. I did give 'im good 
evenin', bein', as you may say, relations, and 'e told me 
as my sister 'as just 'ad 'er seventh, and both doin' well, 
and 

Miss P. That will do. I hope you are telling the 
truth. 

Kez. Oh yes, mum, it's gorspel, it is reely! 



LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 53 

Miss P. Mind you go upstairs quietly; your master 
is unwell. 

Kez. Yes, mum. (goes to door again, winks at Cook) 
Good night, mum. 

Miss P. Good night! (Keziah goes out) I'm afraid. 
Cook, you must have had a rather dull evening. 

Cak. No, I haven't been dull, (puts box on windoiv- 
ledge and returns) You were going to speak about the 
breakfast. 

Miss P. Yes. Let me see, we shall have fish, (noise 
in cupboard) What was that? I heard a noise in that 
cupboard. 

Car. It may have been a mouse. 

Miss P. I didn't know we had any mice. You had 
better set a trap to-morrow. 

Car. You mentioned fish? Will you have it grilled? 

Miss P. No, fried with egg and breadcrumbs, (noise 
in cupboard is repeated more loudly) That can't be 
a mouse. The cat must have got shut up in there. 

Car. The cat is in the scullery. 

Miss P. Then it must be a strange cat. (rises and 
crosses to r. c.) 

Car. (going to cupboard, her hand on knob) Strange 
cats sometimes fly at you. If you'll go, I'll see to it. 
I'm not nervous. 

Miss P. (advances to cupboard) Neither am I. I 
prefer to see for myself, (waves Cook back) How this 
door sticks, (she pulls at the handle of the door, which 
at last opens, discovering Dorvaston) Captain Dorvas- 
ton! (he comes out sheepishly ; pause) May I ask you 
to explain this? (Dorvaston looks first at Miss P. then 
at Cook — takes his hat off) 

Dor. Well, ma'am, it ain't exactly easy to make the 
thing clear. 

Miss P. I see. (speaking at Cook) The explanation 
is only too obvious. My niece has gone to her room, 
so I shall not disturb her to-night, but to-morrow it will 
be my painful duty to tell her everything, (moves a 
step to the door) 

Dor. I say, ma'am, just a moment. 

Miss P. (moves toward Cook and stops) As to you. 
Cook, I will — or, rather, Mr. Pillenger — will speak to 
you in the morning. 

Car. (smiling) Very well! (at top of table. Miss 
Pillenger moves to go — Dorvaston intercepts her) 

Dor. Look here, ma'am — upon my soul you must 
listen. I wanted to say something to Cook. It was noth- 
ing — anybody might have heard it. 



54 LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 

Miss P. Then why conceal yourself in the broom 
cupboard ? 

Doe. I know the broom cupboard ain't easy to get 
out of. I could explain better, only I feel in such an 
awful hat 

Miss P. You are not wearing your hat! 

DoK. No, but — really, you know, I simply wanted — 

Car. Captain Dorvaston, don't trouble; whatever you 
may say Miss Pillenger won't believe you. 

Miss P. That is true. There are things that cannot 
be explained away. The broom cupboard is one of them. 
{going) 

Dor. But I say, ma'am! {moves again) 

Miss P. {motions Mm away) Good-night, Captain 
Dorvaston, {he opens door, she goes out. Dorvaston and 
Cook look at each other, she smiles) 

Dor. {after pause) I've made a nice mess of it. 

Car. You have rather, {closes cupboard door, re- 
turns L. ) 

Dor. If nature allowed a fella to kick himself, I'd 
do it with the greatest pleasure, {comes to r. and puts 
hat dotvn on table) To drag you into such a beastly 
muddle! And I did so want to do you a turn. 

Car. I know you did. You meant kindly, and I'm 
very grateful. Go to bed and forget all about it. 

Dor. There'll be an awful row to-morrow. I'm not 
thinking of myself, I'm thinking about you. 

Car. You needn't worry about me. Oddly enough, 
I've had news to-night that makes this affair very un- 
important. Now I must really ask you to go. 

Dor. All right, I'll be off. But, I say — you do forgive 
me? 

Car. Of course I forgive you. 

Dor. Thanks. Good-night! 

Car. Good-night! {he goes to door r., then returns 
to table for his hat. As he does so Pillenger cautiously 
emerges from the larder. The tivo men face each other) 

PiL. Hum! Tut, tut! (Cook turns and sits l.) 

Dor. Hulloa, sir! Were you in there? 

PiL. Yes — I — er — was. 

Dor. What, all the time? 

PiL. I had an important reason for desiring a few 
minutes' conversation with — er — Cook. 

Car. Mr. Pillenger shared your wish that I should 
better myself 

Dor. That's devilish lucky, because, as you were a 
witness, you can clean the slate for us, and back up 
what I say. 



LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 55 

PiL. You fail to perceive that my perfectly innocent 
sojourn in the larder would be as difficult of plausible 
explanation as your own regrettable occupancy of the 
broom cupboard. 

Dob. Jove, yes, that's true! What had we better do? 

Car. The first step — especially as you are both in- 
valids (the men look at each other) is for you to go to 
bed. 

PiL. The suggestion is most judicious, (they toth 
start for the (Zoor; Pillengeb stops Dorvaston) I think, 
Captain Dorvaston, I will precede you by a few minutes. 
The stairs have a tendency to creak, and would certainly 
do so under our combined weight. Good-night. 

Dob. Good-night, sir. 

PiL. (is going hut pauses) With your permission 
I will remove my boots, (he does so) It would not be 
fair to disturb the household. Good-night! (he goes 
out with a hoot in each hand, and his hat under his 
arm) 

Dob. {crosses and sits r.) By George! then the 
governor was there all the time. 

Car. Yes, I was well provided with chaperonage. 
(turns to mantel and puts gas out, takes candlestick 
from bracket and crosses to window) 

Dob. It don't get you out of the mess, that's the worst 
of it. 

Cab. (shutting the window and then crossing to 
larder) You needn't mind me. 

Dob. I'm bound to mind you. Are you sure there's 
nothing I could do to help you — in any sort of way? 

Cab. No. (shtits door; her eye goes to scullery) 
Well, there is one thing you could do for me — if you 
really mean what you say. 

Dob. I swear I do! (rises) 

Cab. (crosses c.) What I should want you to do 
would be rather a nuisance. Are you sure you wouldn't 
mind? 

Dob. Try me. 

Car. Well, there's a man in the scullery. 

Dor. Another man! 

Cab. Yes. I fancy you'll find he is asleep against 
the sink. 

Dob. Is he, by George? 

Cab. Might I trouble you to fetch him out? (crosses 
to dresser and lights candle) 

Dob. Eh? What? Oh, certainly! (he goes to scul- 
lery, opens door and discovers Cbayll asleep in a sit- 
ting position; Dobvaston picks him up, places him in a 



56 LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 

chair r. of table) There you are! (Cook crosses with 
candle, and light falls on Crayll's face) Why, it's 
Crayll! (looks at Cook) 

Car. Yes. 

Dor. He's as drunk as a fiddler. 

Car. Yes. He called on me this evening, rather to 
my inconvenience. 

Dor. Did he? 

Cab. Might I ask you — to put him somewhere for me? 
(Dorvaston looks at her wonderingly) There's a dry 
ditch — at the end of the garden — that would do. 

Dor. Anything you wish, of course. 

Car. Thanks! (turns b. gas out) 

Dor. Then you know Crayll? 

Car. Yes. (turning to Dorvaston) He was my hus- 
band at one time, (turns out gas) 

Dob. (in an amazed ivhisper) What! 

Car. Good-night! (she goes out quietly at door r.) 

The stage is now dark except the moonlight which 
streams in at door. Dorvaston stands transfixed 
with astonishment — then he puts on his hat — goes 
up and opens the back door — returns — picks up Crayll 
and carries him up stage. As he does so the 

Curtain Falls. 



ACT III. 

Scene. — The Vicarage Library (according to plan). 

Time. — Early next morning. 

(When the Act opens the stage is dark, but the morning 
sun shines in through the chinks of the shutters; Lucy 
enters in lohite biking costume ; she steals doionstairs, 
puts jacket on chair r., crosses to o.p. tvindows, opens 
shutters, and draws curtains — crosses to back and does 
the same; then waves handkerchief to Thorsby, and 
runs up stairs again; stands looking off, to see no one 
has heard; after a moment Thorsby enters; steals to 
balustrade and kisses Lucy's hand, which is on the 
balustrade.) 

Thob. Darling! 
Lucy. Hush! 



LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 57 

Thoe. Mustn't I? — on our wedding day? 

Lucy. No! 

Thor. Ohr 

Lucy. At least — whatever you wish to convey to me 
must be done in dumb show. 

Thok. I see. {he kisses her) 

Lucy. Mind my hat. {looks off) When we have 
been married a few years you'll realize that my hats 
must be treated very respectfully. 

Thor. I suppose the household is still in bed? 

Lucy. Yes. {crosses to settle and sits on r. end) I 
crept downstairs feeling like a burglar. I had one awful 
moment — I stumbled over Auntie's shoes — they were out- 
side 'her door. 

Thor. My dearest — that was rather careless, {leans 
on post) 

Lucy. Careless! Auntie's shoes aren't easy to avoid 
in a narrow passage. It was all right. Uncle and Aunty 
were still asleep — I could hear them 

Thor. And Captain Dorvaston? 

Lucy. Oh! I expect Jack was asleep, too, not dream- 
ing the hour of his emancipation was at hand. Poor old 
Jack! I wish he was coming with us. 

Thoe. Hum! Do you? 

Lucy. I wish he could have given me away. 

Thor. I — hardly share that feeling. 

Lucy. You don't know him; he'd have done it in a 
minute if I'd asked him. I'd have told him all about it, 
only he's such a clumsy old duffer; he might have given 
me away in a different sense. 

Thoe. You seem to place great reliance on his af- 
fection for you. 

Lucy. He has tons of affection for me — tons — but not 
love — at least, not the business article you and I deal 
in. (Thorsby goes to embrace her, she waves Mm off) 
By the way, Harry, {she is putting on her gloves) there 
are one or two points we have never properly settled. 

Thoe. What are they? 

Lucy. I mean to be a clinking parson's wife. 

Thor. Darling! {moves to her, she waves him off 
as before) 

Lucy. Hold on! I mean to be a clinking parson's 
wife, but I have my limitations. Church on Sunday — 
how many times? 

Thor. {hesitatingly) Three? 

Lucy. Oh, no! Mornings generally, evenings some- 
times, afternoons never. 

Thoe. Never? 



58 LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 

Lucy. Never! (Thorsby moves to c; Lucy rises and 
follows) Now you're shocked — your face has grown a 
couple of inches longer. Well, if I'm not orthodox 
enough for you it's off, and I'll go back to bed again. 
{moves to go) 

Thob. Lucy dear, (catches her arm,) in answer to 
what you said, I shall merely exact one promise. 

Lucy. Which is? 

Thor. That in all things — and in all seasons — you 
will do — or not do — whatever you please. Do you 
promise? 

Lucy, {after slight pause. She puts left hand on 
shoulder) Harry, I do promise; it shall be exactly as 
you say. Indeed, indeed, I'll keep my word. Now then, 
fasten my glove, and we'll go and get it over, {he pro- 
ceeds to fasten her glove, as Caroline enters, carrying 
a small tray with coffee, bread and butter, etc.; she also 
carries a large shoe under her arm) 

Cab. {at top of stairs) I beg your pardon. (Lucy 
and Thorsby are much startled. Thorsby moves away 
towards table r.c.) 

Lucy. Cook! 

Thoe. Dear me! 

Cab. I hope I didn't startle you? 

Lucy. Oh, no! 

Thob. Not at all! 

Cab. {comes doivn, and stands at bottom of stairs) 
I thought you might like a cup of coffee {smiling) to 
help you face the ordeal. 

Lucy. Was that why you wanted to know last night 
what time I meant to start? 

Car. No. I told you I wanted to think of you, and 
wish you luck. The coffee was an afterthought. 

Lucy. I see. 

Cab. Won't you both sit down and have it comfort- 
ably? 

Lucy. Is it safe to wait? {crosses up c. and looks 
off — anxiously) 

Cab. Quite. 

Lucy. Keziah? 

Cab. Keziah is not awake — I wrapped the alarum in 
a blanket. (Lucy crosses to top; Thorsby to r.; Cook 
crosses to top of chair and puts tray on table and shoe 
on chair l.; Lucy and Thorsby then sit) 

Lucy. It has probably dawned on you, Harry, that 
Cook is a good friend of ours? 

Thob. It has, indeed! {he rises, boivs — sits again) 

Cab. Cook was once young herself — it was some years 



LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 59 

ago — but she hasn't forgotten the circumstances, {to 
Lucy) Milk and sugar? 

Lucy. Thanks, (she holds cup to her) 

Car. Mr. Thorsby? 

Thor. If you please — two lumps, (she hands cup 
to him) 

Cab. Bread and butter? (they both take some) It 
isn't up to much — yesterday's loaf — but it was the best 
I could do. And how do you both feel? Nervous? 

Lucy. Beastly nervous! (eating) 

Thor. (eating) The moment is naturally a solemn 
one. I feel anxious, but not nervous, (takes up cup 
and drinks) 

Lucy. Oh, it's all right for you; you've tied up such 
a lot of poor misguided people, that you know the words 
backwards. It's different with me — I know I shall 
bungle it. 

Cab. There are only three words that really sig- 
nify. 

Lucy. Which three? 

Car. Love, honor, and obey. 

Lucy. I think I can manage the first two, but I mean 
to slur the third, (Thorsby drops cup in saucer) cough, 
or sneeze or something. 

Thor. (to Caroline, smiling) That sounds rather 
an alarming prospect. Don't you pity me? 

Cab. (glancing at Lucy, and also smiling) No, I 
don't think I do. (crosses c.) How do you go to 
Church? 

Lucy, (rising) We are going to bike there. By-the- 
bye, would you tell somebody — Auntie or Jack — anybody 
will do — that I've run over to see my friend, Jenny 
Thornton, and they're not to wait breakfast? 

Thor. (rising) My dear Lucy, ought we to involve 
a third person in our deception? 

Cab. The third person hasn't a very tender con- 
science in such matters, (to Lucy) I'll tell your little 
fib for you with pleasure. 

Lucy, (leans over chair, sees shoe) There, Harry, 
I knew she would. Thank you. Cook, (taking up the 
shoe which Cook has placed on a chair) What's this? 

Car. (c.) I wanted to throw a shoe after you, and 
that was the only one I could find. It's one of your 
Aunt's — she put it outside her door to be cleaned. 

Thor. Dear me! It looks rather formidable. 

Car. It is large! We'll hope that the luck it brings 
will be proportionate. Now, I should say it was time for 
you to go. 



60 LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 

Thob. (going up to window) Yes, I don't think we 
ought to delay. 

Lucy, (puts shoe down again, crosses up to toindow, 
and down to below table c. ) All right, come along. 
Stop a second though. I say, Harry, have you got 
everything? 

Thok. (returns from k.) Got everything? (Cook 
crosses to back of table, and puts things on tray) 

Lucy. Everybody's fee. I should like to do the thing 
well. 

Thob. Yes. 

Lucy. How about the ring? 

Thob. Eh? Oh, yes, I — (searching his pockets) I 
bought it yesterday, (still searching) 

Lucy. Very likely, but have you got it with you to- 
day? 

Thob. I certainly think so. I have a distinct recol- 
lection of putting it in my waistcoat pocket, (still 
searching) 

Lucy. You've lost it. (to Cook) There's a pretty 
mess! 

Thob. Ah! here it is. (Cook crosses to c.) There 
is a hole in the pocket, and it had slipped down into the 
lining. 

Lucy, (to Cook) Thank goodness! That would 
have been a nice thing, wouldn't it? 

Cab. (to Lucy) Will you wear this? It's only 
syringa, but it looks like orange blossom. (Lucy and 
Thorsby exchange glances) I picked it for you this 
morning. 

Lucy, (fixing it) You have been kind to me, and 
I've no means of thanking you. Will you stoop down 
and let me kiss you? (Cook does so) I'm afraid that's 
all I can do. 

Car. I'm quite repaid. I fancy Mr. Thorsby agrees 
with me. (Lucy crosses up to window) 

Thob. (goes up r. a little; takes Lucy's coat with 
him) Good-bye! May I add my thanks also? 

Cab. Not at all. Good-bye. 

Lucy, (crosses down again to Cook) It isn't good- 
bye — we're coming back as soon as it's over; and we 
mean to tell everything to everybody. So we shall see 
you again. 

Cab. One never knows what may happen. I think 
we'll make it good-bye. (puts hand on Lucy's shoulder) 
Now, go along and get married, and live happy ever 
after, as they do in the fairy tales. (Thobsby goes out 
of the window; Lucy follows, but turns and kisses her 



LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 61 

hand. They go) 

(Cook follows them to the verandah, and throws shoe as 
she returns for tray. Doevaston enters from o. p. 
door.) 

Dob. Hulloa! Good-morning! 

Cab. {at top of table) Good morning. Rather a 
close shave. 

Doe. I beg your pardon? 

Cab. Nothing! (is taking up tray) 

Dob. (at top of table b. of Cook) Look here, don't 
go. I want to have half a word with you. 

Cab. Well? 

Dob. I — saw to that little job. 

Cab. Yes? 

Dob. I — put him in the ditch. 

Cab. Thanks. Did he say anything? 

Dob. (top of table) He muttered something about 
another whiskey, and that he would like to be called 
about nine. Now would you mind telling me a little 
about it all? Give you my word it ain't mere curiosity, 
it's interest in you and everything that concerns you. 

Cae. (at back of chair l.) I told you the chief thing 
last night. Mr. Crayll was my husband at one time. 

Dob. You say he was your husband. 

Cab. Yes. We are divorced. 

Dob. Oh, that was it! (pause) I haven't known 
your — er — I haven't known Crayll more than a day or 
two, but I can see he's an awful little swine. I suppose 
he treated you anyhow? 

Cab. Yes. Is there anything else you would like me 
to tell you? 

Dob. It's extraordinary good of you to give me your 
confidence. 

Cab. You've earned it. (takes tray, and turns) 

Dob. (crosses behind her, to her l. ) Well then, I 
say, what are you going to do now? 

Cab. See to the breakfast. 

Dob. No, no! I mean about — Miss Pillenger — and — 
the broom cupboard. There'll be an infernal row, and 
I'm afraid you'll get beans. 

Cab. (smiles) I'm used to handling all kinds of 
vegetables. (Dobvaston laughs too) As I told you 
last night, it doesn't matter. 

Doe. (sits l. of table) But, by George, it does matter! 
When I asked you then to let me be of use to you, I put 
it to you as a favor, now I ask it as a right. I got you 



62 LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 

into this mess, simply through my beastly clumsiness, 
and you've got to let me see you through it somehow. 

Car. (back of table) News has reached me, in rather 
a roundabout way, that I have come into some money; 
so you see I'm independent — of Miss Pillenger — and the 
broom cupboard. 

Dob. Really? 

Cab. Really! 

Dob. You're not — pulling my leg? 

Cab. (smiling) No! 

Dor. Then I'm devilish glad for your sake, and devil- 
ish sorry for my own. I thought at last I saw my way 
— to doing you a turn. 

Car. (places Iter hand on chair at back of Dorvaston) 
My life hasn't been a very pleasant one, but in one re- 
spect I've been lucky, I have known two men who hon- 
estly tried to befriend a woman. 

Dor. Who was the other chap? 

Car. His name is Carruthers. 

Dor. Not old Bob? (rises and backs c.) 

Cab. (affirmatively) Old Bob. 

Dor. Why, he's a dear pal of mine! 

Cab. Is he? 

Dob. And did he try to be a pal to youf 

Cab. I was thinking of his kindness to Lady Hunt- 
worth. 

Dor. Ah, how about Lady Huntworth? Did you 
know her? 

Car. Yes! (smiling) We are rather intimate — like 
myself she was unfortunate in her choice of a husband. 

Dob. Huntworth brought the divorce, didn't he? 

Car. Yes. Thinking he saw his way to marrying 
another woman, with another fortune, he brought his 
suit against his wife and your friend. 

Dor. Damn him! Pardon! couldn't help it. (crosses 
and kneels on chair l. of table) 

Car. The whole thing was utterly untrue and I know 
she asked Bob to join her in making no defence rather 
than remain Lady Huntworth. 

Dor. The only thing that rather fogs me is, when 
the verdict was once given, why didn't Bob marry her? 

Car. He did suggest it. 

Dor. Well? 

Cab. She said no. 

Dob. Why did she do that? 

Car. She knew he didn't care for her, nor she for 
Mm — at least not in that way. 

Dob. (rises, crosses c.) Still, it was game of her 



LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 63 

to refuse! There ain't many women placed as she was 
who'd have done it. {goes up and leans on balustrade, 
thinking) 

Car. Perhaps not. (pause — takes up tray and crosses 
c; as she moves c. Dorvaston turns and places hand on 
tray) I must go now. 

Dor. No, wait one minute. I'm going on duty di- 
rectly. My duty is to make Lucy a happy little woman 
and I mean to do it. But you seem to be going down 
rather a lonely road and I want you to remember that 
somewhere or other there is an old duller lumbering 
about the world who will never forget you — will you 
remember? 

Car. I shall remember, (pulls tray away) Now I 
really can't stay any longer, (crosses to first step) 

Dor. (holding out his hand) I say! ( she turns — 
places tray on balustrade) Will you? 

Car. Of course! Why not? (they shake hands) 

Dor. Supposing I'd been a free man, do you think 
you — could 

Car. Oh! (draws hand atoay and takes up tray, 
moves to second step) That opens out a very large 
question. I haven't time to answer that. 

Dor. (touches her on shoulder, she turns) I wonder 
if we shall ever come across each other in the future? 

Car. (looking at him) More unlikely things have 
happened, (mounts third step, turns to him) Good- 
bye! (exit) 

(Dorvaston sinks into big chair lost in thought, takes 
out cigarette case. Gandy enters, door r., and is 
crossing the stage.) 

Dor. Good morning! (Gandy crosses from o.p. to 
steps) 

Gan. Mornin'. (c. ) 

Dor. Got a match about you? 

Gan. No. (crosses to mantel) There should be a 
box 'ere. (goes to mantel) There is! (he brings them 
to Dorvaston) 

Dor. (taking them, rises) Thanks! I suppose the 
papers haven't come yet? 

Gan. They 'aven't. 

Dor. You seem a trifle down. Not quite your own 
bright self, are you? (lights cigarette) 

Gan. I ain't! 

Dor. You went to see your mother, didn't you? 

Gan. Yes. 

Dob. Hope you found her feeling fit? 



64 LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 

Gan. She's fit enough! It's me. 

Dob. What's the matter? (hands back matches) 

Gan. Weal cutlet for supper — that's wot's the mat- 
ter! (DoRVASTON crosses up back to window. Gandy 
puts matches on mantelpiece) I've always done my 
dooty by mother, so I picked a bit, and then I went to 
bed and dreamt I was superintendin' my own funeral. 
Weal, cutlet! {crosses xip steps) Mother gets above 
herself. 

Doe. {at window) Have you tried a drop of brandy? 

Gan. I 'ave. (first step) 

Dob. I should try another. 

Gan. (second step) I mean to. (Dorvaston strolls 
out through the ivindow and off b. Miss Pillengee 
enters l., Gandy giving way) 

Miss P. Gandy, can you tell me what has happened 
to my shoes? 

Gan. No. 

Miss P. I put them outside my door last night, but 
this morning I find one of them still uncleaned and the 
other has disappeared. You haven't seen it, I suppose? 

Gan. I 'aven't. 

Miss P. Very singular! (crosses to window up back. 
Gandy goes up stairs) Have you seen Miss Lucy? She 
is not in her room! 

Gan, No. 

(Ms. Pillengee enters l. Gandy gives way. He has 
cut his cheek ivhile shaving and is wearing a piece 
of black sticking plaster.) 

PiL. Good morning! 

Miss P. Good morning, Audley. 

PiL. (to Gandy) Has the post come? 

Gan. No, it ain't, (he goes off l.) 

Miss P. You appear to have had an accident. 

PiL. Accident! 

Miss P. In completing your toilette. 

PiL. Eh? Hum — yes. The razor slipped. My ner- 
vous system is slightly disorganized. 

Miss P. The result of last night. 

PiL. (startled) Last night? I — er — fail to under- 
stand you. 

Miss P. I was referring to your indisposition. 

PiL. Oh! — Ah! — exactly, (crosses to window) 

Miss P. Are you going out? 

PiL. I thought the fresh morning air might be bene- 
ficial. 

Miss P. I must ask you to remain. I have a most 



LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 65 

painful subject to talk over with you. (sits r.) 

PiL. Need we deal with it now? Painful subjects 
should never be discussed on an empty — before break- 
fast. 

Miss P. It does not admit of delay. We may have 
to face a serious scandal. 

PiL. (crosses to chair l.) Scandal! I trust, Han- 
nah, you are weighing your words very carefully. 

Miss P. I am not in the habit of speaking heedlessly. 
What I have to tell you refers to Cook — (Dorvaston 
appears at the window — he has Miss Pillengee's shoe 
in his hand) — and to Captain Dorvaston. 

(Dorvaston enters smoking.) 

PiL. Ah! here — is — er — Captain Dorvaston. (he 
crosses to l. and indicates to Dorvaston that Miss Pil- 
LENGER is in the room. Dorvaston throws cigarette away 
and comes to top of chair r. c.) 

Dor. Good morning, sir. Good morning, ma'am! 
(Miss PiLLENGER bows frigidly. Dorvaston crosses to 
chair) 

PiL. Hannah was just — er — mentioning, as you en- 
tered, that — you 

DoR. (quietly beating the back of chair with shoe) 
Yes, I fancied I caught my name. What were you say- 
ing, ma'am? 

Miss P. I was saying. Captain Dorvaston (she 

notices the shoe) What are you doing with that shoe? 

Doe. Just picked it up. 

Miss P. Why did you touch it? Your doing so seems 
to me to be strangely wanting in delicacy. 

Dor. Don't see anything indelicate in picking up an 
old shoe. I found it on the garden path. 

Miss P. My shoe on the garden path! 

Dor. Yours! I thought it was Gaudy's. 

Miss P. If you thought to keep me a prisoner in my 
room by the removal of my shoe, the expedient was 
abortive. I have several other pairs. 

Dor. Don't know what the deuce you're driving at. 
ma'am. Sorry I disturbed the thing. Shall I put it back? 

Miss P. I will thank you to restore it to me. (Dor- 
vaston hands shoe, and Miss Pillenger crosses, and 
puts it on cabinet r.) Thank you! (she returns and 
sits L. of table) Now, with your permission, I will re- 
sume what I was saying to Mr. Pillenger when you 
came in. (the men exchange glances) I warned you 
last night I should consider it my duty to acquaint Lucy 
with the details of — my — very painful discovery (Dofi- 

5 



66 LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 

VASTON starts to go off at window; Pillengeb follows 
his example upstairs) but I find she has gone out for 
a walk — at least so I imagine. Well — Audley — Audley 
(Miss Pillenger calls Pillenger hack, and he calls Dob- 
VASTON hack; Pillenger sits on settle, and Dorvaston 
leans on balustrade) Well, Audley, the painful discov- 
ery I allude to was this. After returning home last 
night I had occasion to visit the kitchen in order to 
speak to Cook for a moment. While doing so, I heard 
a mysterious noise. I investigated its origin, and found 
Captain Dorvaston concealed in the broom cupboard. 
He was unable to give me any lucid explanation. I 
now leave the matter in your hands, (slight pause) 

Dor. I don't know whether it's much good me saying 
anything — is it, sir? 

PiL. (rises) I think otherwise. (Dorvaston sur- 
prised) I shall be very happy to hear anything you 
care to tell me. Appearances are often misleading. 

Miss P. But, Audley, surely 

PiL. Hannah, the matter has now been submitted to 
my judgment. I shall not approach it in a spirit of 
carping doubt. If our dear friend can give us his 
personal assurance that the whole thing was — a — little 
joke for instance 

Miss P. A little joke! 

PiL. If he could tell us that in concealing himself 
in the — er — broom cupboard, he had an idea of jump- 
ing out suddenly and startling somebody by saying 
" Boo " — not you particularly — but Cook, or Keziah, or 
myself 

Miss P. You? What should you be doing in the 
kitchen? 

PiL. No — that is so; but still, though I deprecate 
practical joking as a rule, I should consider the ex- 
planation as not being without a certain measure of 
antecedent plausibility. 

Miss P. You appear to be putting words into Cap- 
tain Dorvaston's mouth. 

PiL. No, pardon me, I merely say that such a line 
of defence would carry conviction to an unbiased mind. 
The army is proverbially a light-hearted profession. 

Dor. Well, sir, I'm afraid I can't exactly say that. 

Miss P. There! 

PiL. In any case, Hannah, our friend Dorvaston is 
Lucy's responsibility, (leans on mantel) 

Miss P. At all events. Cook is yours! 

PiL. Eh ? Hum — yes 

Miss P. You will of course ring the bell and dis- 
charge her. 



LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 67 

PiL. I — really think we should endeavour to avoid 
any 

Miss P. {rises) Her continued presence in the house 
would be an insult to me. 

PiL. (loudly) To avoid any appearance of temper 
— do you hear me, Hannah? — of temper. 

Dor. {coming to Miss Pillenger) Upon my soul, 
ma'am. Cook hadn't anything to do with it. I was there 
against her wish. 

PiL. {crossing to c.) Surely that is a most convinc- 
ing testimony. 

Dor. I know last night things didn't look quite 
square, but whatever fault there was, was my fault. 

PiL. Precisely! No doubt! {the men look at each 
other) 

Dor. I was chatting to Cook — it was a stoopid thing 
to do — but there was no harm in it. 

PiL. None whatever, I feel sure. 

Dor. In fact, the governor knows there wasn't! 

Miss P. How should my brother know? 

PiL. Hum!— tut— tut! 

Dor. How! Why, because he was in the lar 

{pause. Miss Pillenger stares, both men stare at each 
other with their mouths open) 

PiL. {eagerly) I was sure to take a broad-minded 
view. Doubtless that is our friend's meaning. 

Dor. Yes, that is what I meant. It got late, and I 
heard you coming, ma'am, and I knew you're a bit strict, 
don't you know! 

PiL. Quite so! 

Dor. And as I was supposed to be seedy, I thought 
you'd take my being there the wrong way, don't you 
see? So I — nipped into the broom cupboard, don't you 
understand? {crosses up back) 

PiL. {crosses to top of table) To a moderately im- 
partial intelligence the whole thing is as clear as day, 
and really reflects discredit on no one. 

Miss P. Is it your intention to say nothing to Cook 
on the subject? 

PiL. I think we should give her to understand that 
careful investigation has tended to modify our original 
misconception of the true facts of the case. 

Miss P. {rising) Then, Audley, I have this to say 
{crosses to r.) 

(Gandy enters l.) 

Gan. {at top of steps) I've just found a gent in the 
dry ditch at the end of the garden. 



68 LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 

PiL. (pause) A gent in the ditch! (Dorvaston 
crosses to balustrade) What gent? — er — gentleman? 

Gan. 'E was asleep and I shook 'im — 'e grunted, and 
I shook 'im again. 'E says his name's Crayll, and 'e'd 
like to see you. 

PiL. Crayll! (to Dorvaston) That is the person 
who called on you yesterday? 

Doe. Yes, I know him. 

PiL. He wished to see me? {to Gandy) 

Gan. 'E said so. 

PiL. Show him in. (Gandy goes out. Dorvaston 
crosses l. ) Surely a most singular circumstance! Why 
did he go to sleep in my ditch? (Miss Pillengeb crosses 
up to top of window) 

Doe. I suppose, as he's an acquaintance of mine, he 
thought you wouldn't object. 

PiL. He must be very eccentric, (crosses to r. cor- 
ner) 

Dor. Yes, he's a rum sort of chap! (Gandy enters, 
followed by Crayll, who looks rather dilapidated) 

Gan. Mr. Crayll! (at top of steps — he goes out — 
Crayll is at top of steps) 

Cray. Good mornin'! (at top of steps) 

PiL. Good morning! 

Cray, (to Dorvaston) How are you? (crosses down 
and puts hat on settle) 

Dor. How are you? 

Cray. Think I'll sit down, (crosses r. ) Feel rather 
shaky, (he sits l. of table; Dorvaston is standing with 
his back to the fireplace) 

PiL. By all means. (indicating Miss Pillengeb) 
My sister! 

Cray. Oh! (he nods carelessly) 

PiL. But, my dear sir, (sits r.) I understand you 
passed the night — or some portion of it — in er — the 
ditch? 

Cray. 'Pears I did. 

PiL. But — how did you get there? 

Cray. How the devil should I know? 

PiL. Tut, tut! 

Cray. I must have bin sprung last night, that's about 
the size of it. I seem to recollect somebody pickin' me 
up, and then chuckin' me down again, like a sack of 
coals, (to Pillenger) It wasn't you, was it? 

PiL. Certainly not! But you seem to be shivering. 
May I offer you anything? 

Miss P. (from back of table — coming down a little) 
A hot cup of tea? 



LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 69 

Ceay. Tea be damned! 

PiL. Tut! (Miss Pillenger is shocked, and goes up) 

Cbay. No, I should like a hair of the dog that bit 
me. 

PiL. (rises excitedly and leans over table) Bitten 
by a dog! Good Heavens! My dear sir, the place should 
be cauterised at once — no time should be lost! 

Cray. Oh, don't be such an ass! I mean whiskey. 
(looking closely at Pillenger) What's that on your 
face? What is it? What's that filthy black thing crawl- 
ing over your face? 

PiL. I — er — you probably 

Cray. What is it? (loudly — rises excitedly) Why 
the devil don't you tell me what it is? 

Pel. a slight accident in shaving. My razor is some- 
what out of condition — merely sticking plaster. 

Cray. Oh! (subsiding) Thought it was a spider. 
(pause) I want to talk to you. 

PiL. Yes. (sits) 

Cray. Want to say a word or two about your Cook. 
(DoRVASTON makes a slight movement ; Miss Pillenger 
crosses down to chair) 

PiL. Indeed! 

Cray. I s'pose you didn't know much about her when 
you took her. Did you? 

Miss P. No. 

PiL. Hannah, permit me! In answer to your in- 
quiry, I may say we obtained the highest testimonials 
from the Duchess of Sturton. 

Cray. Oh yes, that's all right — they're pals. (all 
start) Did she tell you your Cook was married. 

Miss P. Married? 

PiL. Hannah! Hannah! No, sir, she did not. 

Cray. Well she is. Did she say she was a well- 
known society woman, who wasn't living with her hus- 
band? 

Miss P. Good gracious! 

PiL. Her Grace did not mention the fact — if it is a 
fact. 

Cray. It is — you may lay your shirt on it. That 
ain't quite the sort of party you want in your kitchen, 
is it? Now I happen to know the husband'd be willin' 
to overlook the past — and take her back again 

PiL. Er— really? 

Cray. He's a good-natured beggar, and he don't bear 
malice. He put it to her, but she's an obstinate devil 
— she didn't listen to reason. Now it struck me that 
as you're a magpie 



YO LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 

PiL. Tut! 

Miss P. A magpie? 

Cray. Beg pardon — I mean as you're a parson, with 
your eye on the marriage service — " Those who Heaven 
joined " and all that kind of thing — you might see your 
way to chucliin' her out, neck and crop, without a char- 
acter — 'D'you see? — and so bring her to a sense of dooty. 

Miss P. Really, Audley, there is something to be 
said for this gentleman's suggestion. 

PiL. Whatever course it may ultimately be desirable 
for me to adopt, I shall require more definite informa- 
tion than I at present possess as to the intentions and 
— er — general identity — of the alleged husband. 

Cray. You can have it. I'm her husband. 

PiL. You! (Miss PiLLENGER ttlso convcys surprise) 

Cray. Yes, you ask her; she'll admit she's been mar- 
ried all right. 

Miss P. I'll ring for her at once, (makes movement, 
rises and crosses to l.) 

Cray, (.hastily) Hold hard! Stop that, old woman! 
(Miss Pillenger pauses) I don't want to see her — 
there wouldn't be any good in that — the meeting would 
be painful all round, (rising) No! you do what I say 
— tell her to pack up her traps and go — and then my 
arms will be open to her. (Miss Pillenger returns and 
sits) Good mornin'! (crosses c.) 

(Crayll goes l., Dorvaston intercepts Mm.) 

Dor. You're not leaving us? 

Cray. Yes, I am! 

Dor. I think not! 

Cray. What d'you mean? I suppose I can go when 
I like? (moves forward) 

Dor. You will go when I like; and before you do, 
you've got to face the lady you've just been trying to 
injure. Sit down there (pointing to settle) and don't 
move, or I shall hurt you! (Crayll hesitates) Sit 
down! (Crayll sits sulkily) Now I'm going to ring 
the bell, and Mr. Pillenger will send for Mrs. Crayll; 
but if you try to get away, I shall probably hurt you 
rather badly. Do you follow me? 

Cray. Yes. 

Dor. That's all right, (crosses and rings hell; to 
Mr. Pillenger) Sorry to take the business out of your 
hands, sir, but we've got to see it through, don't you 
know? 

PiL. I think it would undoubtedly be desirable. 



LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 71 

(Gandy enters) Will you ask Mrs. — er — I mean — er — 
kindly inform Cook we should like to speak to her. 
(Gandy goes out, Miss Pillenger sits; long pause, dur- 
ing which no one moves) Er — wonderful how the — eh 
— fine weather lasts! {another pause) 

(Then Cakoline enters in outdoor costume; she is put- 
ting on her gloves. She comes down the steps and 
advances quietly to the table.) 

Cab. You have something to say to me? 

Miss P. Yes, we have. 

Car. That is fortunate, because I have something to 
say to you. 

PiL. (Miss Pillengee makes to speak) Hannah, you 
will greatly oblige me by remaining silent. We wished. 
Cook 

Cab. (near chair c.) Pardon me, Mr. Pillenger, I 
have no longer any claim to that title — I beg to hand in 
my resignation. 

PiL. You contemplate leaving us? 

Car. Yes. I've sent for a fly. 

Miss P. Audley, since this lady objects to be referred 
to as Cook, I think you should address her by her name 
— her real name. 

Car. (glancing at Miss Pillenger) I doubt if you 
know it. 

Miss P. We are better informed than you imagine, 
Mrs. Crayll! 

Car. Oh, that's it! 

PiL. (rises) My dear madam, pray believe the — er 
— somewhat startling information came to us unsought. 
Our informant was that gentleman, (points to Crayll) 

Car. What gentleman? 

Dor. (to Crayll) You can stand up now. (Crayll 
rises and crosses down l. c, and advances a step or 
two. Cook turns and sees him.) 

Car. I see! (slight pause) Well, what has he told 
you? 

Miss P. This gentleman came here this morning to 
beg us 

Car. To turn me out? 

Miss P. Be that as it may, he is anxious to make an 
appeal to his, I fear, misguided wife. 

Car. Is he indeed? 

Cray. I've been tellin' 'em I want you to come back 
—man can't say more, can he? 

Cab. What else did he tell you? 



72 LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 

Miss P. He mentioned you were a well-known woman 
in society — and that you had been living apart from 
your husband. 

Cab. Quite so! Was that all he said? 

PiL. I think that embraced the whole of Mr. Crayll's 
statement, (pause) 

Car. Up to a certain point he told the truth. I did 
marry him some years ago. 

Miss P. You concealed the fact when you entered 
our service. 

Car. It wasn't a thing I felt inclined to boast of. 
As he was so confidential, it seems odd he forgot to 
tell you we were recently divorced. 

PiL. Divorced! 

Miss P. Divorced! 

Car. There is one other thing — I think it is only fair 
you should know what a distinguished individual you 
have been entertaining in the person of Mr. Crayll. 

Cray. Keep your infernal tongue between your teeth! 

Car. This gentleman 

Cray. I shan't stay here to be baited — and badgered. 
(going) 

Dor. (advancing) You'll stay where you are! 

Car. This gentleman is Lord Huntworth, I am — I 
was Lady Huntworth. (all convey astonishment) Last 
night Lord Huntworth dropped in the kitchen a letter. 
It was from a firm of solicitors. 

Cray, (putting Ms hand to his breast pocket) 
Damn! 

Car. Telling him I had inherited a large sum of 
money. Lord Huntworth is rather hard up just now. 
There is nothing unusual in the circumstance, but I 
mention it because it explains the reason of his gener- 
ous offer to condone the past, (pause) Here is your 
letter; (producing it) you needn't trouble to answer 
it — I shall call on Messrs. Brampton and Stokes in the 
course of the day. (Cr.vyll snatches the letter) I don't 
think we need detain you any longer, need we? (Crayll 
turns for hat l., snarls at Dorvaston and exits up steps; 
Caroline watches him off) 

PiL. Is it actually the case that you are the Lady 
Huntworth? 

Car. (turns to the Pillengers) Yes, I am the Lady 
Huntworth who is so widely and so very unfavourably 
known, (turns to Dorvaston) Would you oblige me 
by ringing the bell. Captain Dorvaston? 

Dob. Certainly? (he does so) 

Cab. (again speaking to the Pillengebs) If I 



LADY HUNT WORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 7-3 

thought there was even a chance that you could under- 
stand my doing what I have done I would try to make 
it clear to you, but you couldn't — I should only waste 
your time and my own. (Gandy enters) Gandy, has 
the fly come? 

Gan. It 'as. 

Car. Thanks! Good-bye! {she holds out her hand, 
he takes it respectfully) We've been good friends, 
haven't we? 

Gan. We 'ave; servin' with you 'as bin a honour. 
( exit ) 

Car. (smiling and to the Pillengers) Mr. Pillenger 
— (he rises) You have done everything in your power 
to render my little experiment a pleasant one. I am 
grateful; and if your thoughts should ever turn in my 
direction I hope you will let your mind dwell on the 
excellence of my curried chicken, rather than on the 
supposed hopelessness of my moral character. Good- 
bye. 

PiL. (bows sadly) Good-bye! (sits disconsolate; 
Cook nods to Mr. Pillenger pleasantly ; then turns and 
gives a very stately bow to Miss Pillenger, who stiffly 
returns it; Cook then goes l., but pauses as she mounts 
the steps and speaks to Dorvaston) 

Car. We have already taken leave of each other, but 
it has occurred to me that perhaps you might care to 
let me hear from you. I am leaving England for 
some time, but that address will find me. (gives a 
card to him) Poste Restante, Brussels. 

Dor. Poste Restante, Brussels. 

Cab. Yes. Good-bye! 

Doe. (with a sigh) Good-bye! (sits down on settle; 
she goes out) 

(After she has gone Dorvaston sits pensively on the set- 
tle; there is a pause; all three sit staring at nothing; 
then Gandy enters with newspapers at window; he 
goes to Pillenger. 

Gan. (crosses to r. to Pillenger) " Standard! " 
(Pillenger takes it, but allows it to drop by his side; 
Gandy then crosses to Miss Pillenger) " Church 
Times! " (he then crosses to Dorvaston and hands him 
the other paper) " Sportin' Life! " (Pillenger and 
Dorvaston pick up papers and try to read; Miss 
Dorvaston reads, Gandy goes up two steps, then turns) 
'Ow about dinner? 

PiL. Eh? 



7^4 LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 

Dob. What? 

Gan. 'Ow about dinner? 

PiL. Don't dare allude to it. (rises and sits at exit) 

Dor. Get out of the room! (rises and sits at exit) 

(Gandy goes out, the two men open their papers firmly 
and begin to read; Lucy enters at window followed 
nervously by Thorsby — Lucy dragging him into c; 
Lucy is l. c, Thorsby e. c.) 

Lucy. Good-morning, everybody! 

Miss P. Good morning! 

PiL. (not looking up) Good morning! 

Dob. (doing the same) Good morning! 

Lucy. I've brought Mr. Thorsby with me. 

Miss P. Good day, Mr. Thorsby! (he bows) 

Dob. (not looking round) Ah, Thorsby ! (Thorsby 
bows) 

Dob. (not looking round) How are you, Thorsby? 
(Thorsby bows once more) 

Lucy. We've just been married. 

Miss P. ) What? (all rise and throw down papers; 

PiL. C DoRVASTON immediately takes Bradshaw off 

Dob. ) Tnantel and sits on settle looking out trains) 

Lucy. Uncle, it wasn't Harry's doing, so if you feel 
riled you must pitch into me. I'm responsible. Harry 
hated the deception all through — didn't you? 

Thob. I 

Lucy. All right, don't interrupt. We started early, 
hiked over to Ingledene Church — did the trick — rode 
back, and we want everybody's blessing, and a good 
breakfast. 

PiL. As you are practically independent of my control 
I fear I have no power to withhold the blessing. The 
good breakfast may be less easily obtained. 

Lucy, Why? 

PiL. Cook has left us? (crosses up to desk b., kick- 
ing the papers from his feet viciously as he goes) 

Lucy. Oh! I'm sorry! She got up early, and made 
us some coffee, (takes hat up b. c.) 

Dor. Then she knew? 

Lucy. Of course she did! I told her. 

Miss P. She would naturally take a prominent part 
In any duplicity, (crossing to window; Thorsby goes up 
after her to make his peace) 

Lucy. That's all rot. She was a real good sort — a 
long way better than most of us (she goes to Dobvas- 
ton) Jack, old boy! 



LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. 75 

Dor. Yes, little woman? (sitting l. looking at Brad- 
shaio) 

Lucy. You're the only one that matters. I cared for 
Harry — and you didn't care for me — did you? Tell me 
you didn't, or I shall hate myself. You'd have married 
me and tried to look pleasant, but it would have taken 
you all your time. Now, Jack, I want to hear you take 
your oath you don't mind. 

Dor. {rises) Mind! (rings bell, returns, and takes 
Lucy by both hands) My dear child, you don't know 
what a turn you've done me by throwing me over for a 
better man. Mind? (crosses to Thorsby, claps him on 
the shoulder) My dear Thorsby, I wish you all the luck 
you could wish yourself — and you'll get it! A chap who 
could carry out a thing of this kind in such an excep- 
tional way has all the makings of a future bishop. 
(Gandy enters) Pack my things at once; I must catch 
the 11:15 to town. (Gandy goes out) 

Lucy. Going to leave us? 

Dor. (crosses to Lucy) I must, little woman — but I 
won't forget to send you a wedding present — silver mug 
— no, that's later! (Lucy crosses to Thorsby u. b. To 
Pillenger) Good-bye, sir. (Pillenger rises, and they 
shake hands across the table, he then sits again) Keep 
your head up and your liver active. 

PiL. Good-bye! 

Dor. (to Miss Pillenger) Good-bye, ma'am. I mean 
to be quite respectable by the time we meet again, (they 
shake hands) 

Miss P. I hope so. 

Dor. (to Thorsby) Good-bye, young fellah! Give 
that little filly her head, and she won't want the whip. 
(crosses l. of Lucy and the others) Good-bye, little 
woman! (kisses her) God bless you! (kisses her — 
runs up steps) 

Lucy. Good-bye, dear old boy! (leans over balus- 
trade; he is going) You'll let us hear from you? 

Dor. Yes! (runs up steps) 

Lucy. Where will a letter find you? 

Dor. (hastily taking out card and looking at it. 
Turns to her) Poste Restante, Brussels! (as he goes 
oft the 

Curtain Falls. 









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flAR 2'3 1904 









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LIBRARY OF CONGRS,, 




'0 014 641 890 9. 









